idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the month “June, 2024”

22 Jun 2024
2 Comments

Four-Way Nightmare

As you drive down the road, you begin to feel a queasiness in your stomach. You don’t know what is causing this feeling, but you know something is out there, looming in the distance.

The farther you travel, the uneasiness transitions to a feeling of impending doom.

Then you see it.

That queasiness in your stomach constricts into a tight knot. Your heart pounds. Tendrils of fear speed down your spine.

Your palms dampen, and beads of sweat build on your forehead.

You are bearing down on a four-way stop in rural Pennsylvania.

The 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania is the Bermuda Triangle of the driving world. The gauges in your vehicle begin to malfunction, and the laws of physics falter.

You become disoriented as a form of temporary stupidity sets in–on occasion, the stupidity is permanent. 

The rules of polite society crumble into chaos.

Despite the evidence, there is a distinct set of rules to follow when approaching a 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania:

  1. Prepare your insurance information before you get to the intersection in anticipation of the inevitable collision.
  2. Ease your way toward the intersection, displaying cautious trepidation.
  3. Make eye contact with the other motorists, looking for signs of fear and weakness.
  4. Identify the motorist displaying the most fear and weakness; he has the right of way.
  5. Wait for the motorist who has the right of way to go.
  6. Realize by his dull, lifeless eyes, the driver with the right of way has no clue he has the right of way. (You’re not sure if he knows he’s driving.)
  7. Sigh disgustedly when nobody goes.
  8. Spend several interminable moments as all four motorists gawk numbly at each other.
  9. Disgustedly pull into the intersection.
  10. Slam on the brakes after all four motorists have pulled into the intersection simultaneously.
  11. Slowly put your vehicle in reverse as you suspiciously eye the other motorists.
  12. Exclaim, “What the hell is wrong with these idiots,” when, again, nobody goes.
  13. Decide you’ve had enough and floor it.
  14. Push the airbag away from your face as it deflates.
  15. Marvel at the 4 car collision you’ve just been a part of.
  16. Curse loudly…or at least as loudly as you can with a broken jaw.

The following warning sign should be before every 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania:

Amelia Earhart didn’t disappear over the Bermuda Triangle; she’s at a 4-way stop outside of Erie, Pennsylvania, shaking her fist at a bunch of idiots.

Addendum: On occasion, in rural Pennsylvania, one of the conveyances at the four-way stop will be an Amish buggy. If that is the case, be prepared to be flipped off by an angry Amish dude and bitten by a horse.

Posted in erie, funny, lists and tagged , , , , , , ,
12 Jun 2024
4 Comments

Is This the Apocalypse?

I recently came across a couple of news stories that are a cause for concern in the New York area.
And no, I’m not referring to the story about the increasing problem of obesity in New York City rats. Obesity has long been a problem with the rats of New York City; it’s nothing new.
To be honest, the biggest problem with the rats of New York City is how insufferably rude they are.
The story I’m talking about is the one about the giant venomous spiders that are heading up the East Coast; they have a four-inch leg span and the ability to fly.
No spider should have a four-inch leg span.
No spider should have the ability to fly.
Certainly, no spider that doesn’t come from the brain of Stephen King should possess both traits.
The New Jersey Pest Control has warned: it is a matter of when, not if, they travel up the coast. They are called the Joro Spider, and while they aren’t as rude as those fatass rats from New York City, they are still freaky.
The second story is about the first known case of a sexually transmitted form of ringworm in the United States.
The highly contagious fungal skin infection is a rare manifestation of dermatophytosis affecting the genitals and pubic region.
Of all the regions to be affected by a highly contagious fungal skin infection, the genital and pubic region is probably the worst.
A New York City man has been identified with the infection.
Who has time to worry about infections in their pubic region when the air is thick with flying spiders?
Is this the beginning of the apocalypse? Even the ten plagues of Egypt didn’t have flying spiders.
Luckily, I live in western New York far from New York City; the worst thing we have to deal with is deer ticks. Deer ticks are nasty, but at least they can’t fly, they aren’t sexually transmitted, and they tend not to be churlish.
To be fair, deer ticks have very little personality at all.
I’m not sure if this signifies the end of the world, but my advice for you is to stay vigilant and probably to avoid New York City.

Posted in funny, health, Jamestown, NY and tagged , , , , , , , ,

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