idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the month “April, 2020”

Welcome to the Neighborhood

There are just some things you just don’t want to hear come out of your new neighbor’s mouth.

  • Once we get the lab up and running, we can give you a great deal on crystal meth.
  • You’ll have to excuse my wife, she has a form of voluntary Tourette’s syndrome. Your home is lovely, and your wife doesn’t at all have the appearance of a fat slutty whore.
  • This seems like a nice quiet neighborhood where we can await the return of the mothership.
  • I love this big spacious backyard, it’s perfect for burying evidence.
  • I don’t see any cinder blocks in your front yard; where do you keep all of your old appliances?
  • I’m going to paint my entire house hot pink, with giant flaming skulls on the side; your property value is going to soar.
  • We really needed to find a bigger home; swamp rats really multiply fast.
  • We had to move leave our last neighborhood; all our neighbor’s homes kept inexplicably burning down. Billy, put down those matches and come meet the new neighbors.
  • We’re the Mitchells and this is our son Dennis. Sorry about that welt on your forehead; Dennis is a crack shot with that slingshot of his.
  • It’s okay, you can shake my hand, leprosy isn’t nearly as contagious as most people think.
  • This is our son Damien, some people think he’s the antichrist, but really, he’s just mischievous. But seriously, if you see him on a tricycle, back away.
  • The witness protection people put me here because I whacked like fifty people, and then I ratted out the family to stay off death row…I mean, my name is Ed and I’m an accountant.
  • Hi, my name’s Joe Exotic.
  • We’re members of the Society of Obese Sweaty Nudists, we’ll be holding our weekly meetings in the backyard.
  • Would you like to meet Yancey and Theodore, our pet howler monkeys.
  • Do you like garden gnomes as much as I like garden gnomes? I hope you do, because I have hundreds of them.
  • I’m Hannibal Lecter, I’d love to have you over for dinner.
  • We’re not actual neo-Nazis, they weren’t radical enough for us.
  • I hope your family loves to yodel as much as our family loves to yodel.
  • No. We didn’t shave off all of our body hair because the cult makes us, we just like the way it feels. Although, the testicle piercing was mandatory.
  • Pay no mind to the roosters, they only crow at sunrise.
  • Our pet pythons only escape once in a while…you don’t have small children do you?
  • You won’t have to worry about noisy lawnmowers with us, all the goats and sheep take care of our lawn.
  • We’re here to do a television show: The Desperate Housewives of Erie, Pennsylvania.
bad neighbor

“I’m really into topiary.”

I Wouldn’t Wish That On My Worst Enemy

Imagine you’re listening to the following story:

So Ron was just standing there, and suddenly this llama comes bursting out of the brush, runs right past the whole group of us and bites Ron on the testicles. It was like the llama singled him out. I mean, Ron is a giant prick, but how would the llama know that?

Now the llama is just shaking Ron by his crotch and Ron is screeching in agony; that llama had some nasty jagged teeth. So then the llama lets go of Ron’s crotch and it turns around really quickly, so we’re all thinking it’s over and the llama’s just going to run away, but instead it kicks Ron in the face. Ron has nasty jagged teeth now too.

At this point Ron’s just lying there on the ground in a crumpled whimpering mass and the llama stands over him and pees on him. Then the llama just gallops away and back into the brush like it’s proud of itself.

Then someone exclaims, “holy shit, why is there even a llama running around in western Pennsylvania?”

The person then punctuates the story by saying, “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”

But you’re thinking to yourself: I would definitely wish that on my worst enemy; I’m kind of glad it happened to Ron. Then you giggle a bit as you imagine it happening to your worst enemy.

Then you start thinking: I wonder if I could find that llama and make it happen to my worst enemy. It can’t be that hard to find: a stray llama in western Pennsylvania. Then you start wondering why the word llama is spelled with two l’s at the beginning, but you quickly revert back to wishing a llama attack upon your worst enemy.

You could record it and put it on YouTube; that would be awesome! Now you’re starting to get a little exited at the prospect of your worst enemy being the victim of vicious llama attack.

You realize there’s almost nothing you wouldn’t wish upon your worst enemy.

You’d wish bad things on people who mildly annoy you. Like that time you got stuck on an elevator with that mime; no invisible wall is going to stop a kick to the face from a llama, you stupid mime. You giggle a little imaging it.

You start wondering if the whole llama thing with Ron wasn’t set-up in the first place; Ron really is a prick.

Now you’re wondering if you’re a bad person.

Then you stop wondering things, because you’ve got a llama to find.

elephants

You couldn’t find the llama, but this will do.

 

 

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