Home is Where the Heart is…and a Bit of Predator
Home is where the heart is…in fact, that’s where I keep most of my shit. –Pliny the Elder (slightly paraphrased)
This post is about my hometown, and five reasons why it is awesome. (This post is not about modesty.)
Reason #1: the best chicken wings on the planet
Western New York is really good at two things: lake effect snow and chicken wings. Lake effect snow sucks, but chicken wings are great. And the best chicken wings on the planet can be found in Westfield, NY at Larry’s Cantina.
How do I know the chicken wings at Larry’s Cantina are the best on the planet? Because I am a chicken wing expert. (Did I mention this post is not about modesty?)
Note: I can’t vouch for the chicken wings on other planets; I’m sure the chicken wings on that planet Predator is from are badass.
Reason #2: Mad Dog 20/20
That’s right, Mad Dog 20/20 is produced in my hometown by Mogen David. Mad Dog 20/20 is classified as a flavored fortified wine. Flavored fortified wines are sometimes referred to as “bum wines” by cynics. Cynics can bite me. (This post is not about tact.)
The Urban Dictionary claims it’s the drink high school kids sneak off to the rock quarry to drink. That’s ridiculous…it was a gorge.
Mad Dog 20/20 has numerous virtues:
- It’s practically a cure for not having liver disease.
- It relieves you of that pesky problem of having too many brain cells.
- It would survive a nuclear holocaust.
- It comes in several delicious artificial flavors and colors that glow in the dark.
- If you’ve ever wondered what the sweetest thing in the world is: there’s your answer.
- Predator loves it.
Reason #3: Grace Bedell
On October 15, 1860, a few weeks before Lincoln was elected President of the United States, Grace Bedell sent him a letter from Westfield, New York, urging him to grow a beard to improve his appearance. Lincoln responded in a letter on October 19, 1860, making no promises. However, within a month, he grew a full beard.
His inaugural trip from Illinios to Washington D.C. took him through Westfield, NY where he stopped to meet Grace.
Grace later recounted the events:
“He climbed down and sat down with me on the edge of the station platform,” she recalled. “‘Gracie,’ he said, ‘look at my whiskers. I have been growing them for you.’ Then he kissed me. I never saw him again.”
I know what you’re thinking: that’s a sweet story, but it would have been more impressive if she had written something like:
Dear Mr. Lincoln, if you should become president, this slavery thing really has to go.
P.S. Avoid the theater.
Hey, it’s our thing–leave it alone!
Reason #4: my aunts and uncles
If modern cinema and television have taught us anything through mega-hits such as Harry Potter, Twilight, and The Walking Dead, it’s that witches, vampires, werewolves, and various incarnations of the undead, are quite popular in current culture.
The town of Westfield, NY is polluted with my aunts and uncles.
Note: you get what I’m implying.
Reason #5: simply put: it’s my hometown and that makes it awesome (this post is not about modesty or tact)
This blog is read by thousands of intelligent and influential people (a few of which aren’t imaginary).
And since this is my blog: I make the rules. And according to those rules, that makes my hometown awesome.
Note: I’ve heard this blog is wildly successful on Predator’s planet.
Westfield, NY is also awesome because there are absolutely no mimes there.
There was one once, but we took care of that.