The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the month “August, 2013”

Petition This

I'm Batman...for now.

I’m Batman…for now.

A resident of Westland, Michigan has filed an official petition with the Obama administration, asking the President to denounce the choice of Ben Affleck as the next Batman, and have the role recast.

The petition filer couldn’t be reached at his residence, his mother said that he was in the basement, and he didn’t want to be bothered.

Following in these footsteps of brilliance, I am now in the process of filing the following petitions:

  • Sack John Kerry as Secretary of State, and replace him with Levi from the Amish Mafia.
  • Replace the stodgy old image of the bald eagle on U.S. currency, with a hilarious drawing of Woody Woodpecker.
  • Create a third house of Congress comprised completely with losing contestants from the Bachelorette.
  • Every family in the country gets a helper monkey named Mojo.
What could be more helpful than this?

What could be more helpful than this?

  • Judge Judy: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
  • Any time the President is introduced, Kid Rock’s “American Badass,” plays in the background.
  • Only men who have a history of sexual deviance, may run for Mayor of New York City. (Sorry, this is already happening.)
  • Anthony Weiner’s cellphone to be rigged, so it can only send or receive images from fat guys named Earl, who constantly make fun of his name.
  • The closing bell on Wall Street to be replaced with a recording of Porky Pig, stammering the words, “that’s all folks.”
  • Justin Bieber will be deported unless he puts his shirt back on, and stops acting like an idiot.
  • President Obama will be constitutionally compelled to refer to Vice President Biden as his “Little Buddy” ala the Skipper and Gilligan.
  • Ben Affleck will have the constitutional right to go to the petition filer’s home, and slap the crap out of him.

If I have missed anything, let me know.

Introducing your new congressmen.

Introducing your new congressmen (American Badass, plays in the background)



Top 15 Cameraman Gripes on the Set of Amish Mafia

The Children of the Corn--all grown up.

The Children of the Corn–all grown up.

Number 15

Horse chigger bites itch like crazy.

Number 14

The way Steve is always referring to his beard as “The Babe Magnet.”

I couldn't find a picture of Steve, so here's one of Weird Al Yankovic.

 Weird Al Yankovic doing his best impression of Steve.

Number 13

They can never remember their lines.

Number 12

How they turn everything you say into something risqué by punctuating it with, “’tis what she sayeth.”

Number 11

The way they laugh hysterically after they intentionally lead you through a pile of horse crap.

Number 10

The Amish have no idea how to make a good martini.

Number 9

Sick of hearing Amish guys use the same tired pick-up line: hey baby, doth thee need your butter churned.

Number 8

The way goats smell when they’re wet.

Number 7

The way goats smell when they’re dry.

Number 6

Those smart-ass cameramen from Jersey Shore, sarcastically griping about how hard it was filming babes in bikinis on the beach.

Number 5

The way their body oil gets in all the equipment (sorry, also from Jersey Shore).

Number 4

The way Levi’s always parading around in nothing but his “Home of a Barn-Raising boxer shorts.

What it would look like if Al Capone had been from rural Pennsylvania instead of Chicago...and if he were fictional.

What it would’ve looked like if Al Capone had been from rural Pennsylvania instead of Chicago…and if he’d been fictional.

Number 3

It gets tiresome constantly having to fight off territorial crows every time you break for lunch.

Number 2

They’re constantly rambling on about their favorite movie, Witness.

Number 1

The way they all giggle uncontrollably every time someone says they’re from Intercourse.

I wonder what the school mascot is?

I wonder what the school mascot is?

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