idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the tag “Bigfoot”

11 Mar 2017

Can We Get Some Love for the Squonk?

legend of the squonk

The Squonk.

At the latest meeting of the legendary creatures.

Golem: Before we get started, has everybody that’s going to be here arrived? Nessie won’t be here today but he sends his regards. He did send us a postcard; it has a bunch of guys playing bagpipes in kilts mooning the camera. Pass it around please. Chupacabra won’t be here either, evidently he has had some trouble at the border. We’re still missing someone…Bigfoot, is your cousin coming?

Bigfoot: Yeah he’s coming. You know how he is: always showing up late.

Golem: I’m aware…wait, here he is now. Speak of the devil.

Jersey Devil: What?

Golem: Not you Jersey. I was just commenting that Yeti’s finally here.

Yeti: Sorry I’m late, the traffic was “abominable” on the way over. (He laughs hysterically.)

Bigfoot: That joke gets funnier every time you tell it.

Thunderbird: Caw!

Bigfoot: Thunderbird agrees with me.

Yeti: Fine, I’m done with the joke. So what’s so important that we had to call an emergency meeting?

Golem: Squonk has some issues that he would like to address.

Yeti: When’s he getting here?

Squonk: I’m standing right here you overgrown monkey.

Yeti: Sorry little guy, I didn’t see you there.

Squonk: That’s the problem, nobody ever sees me there. Most people don’t even know of my existence. How am I supposed to be a “legendary creature” if nobody has even heard of me?

Golem: You have to admit, your story’s a little bit depressing.

Squonk: I’m sorry. Do I depress you?

Yeti: You have ill-fitting skin that’s covered with warts and blemishes, you’re constantly weeping, and when you get upset you just dissolve into a puddle of bubbles and tears.

Squonk: That’s my legend!

Bigfoot: Consider yourself lucky that nobody notices you. It’s miserable having these idiots constantly stomping through the forest looking for you. I don’t know how many times I’ve just sat down to a nice dinner of berries and grubs, and some slack-jawed moron comes traipsing through the forest, whacking a stick against a tree because “that’s how the bigfoot communicates.” I have never in my life mindlessly whacked a stick against a tree.

Jersey Devil: Maybe people would leave you alone if you stopped leaving those big oafish footprints all over the woods.

Thunderbird: Caw.

Jersey Devil: Thunderbird agrees with me.

Bigfoot: Hey, I live in the woods and I have big feet.

Yeti: I love those beef jerky commercials: messin’ with Sasquatch.

Bigfoot: Those commercials are an affront, they make me look like a gullible imbecile.

Yeti: That’s what I’m saying, they’re hysterical.

Bigfoot: They are an abomination.

Yeti: What? So he can use that joke?

Squonk: Hey, we’re supposed to be discussing my problem! (Indistinct gurgling.)

Golem: Look at that, Squonk just dissolved into a puddle of bubbles and tears.

Yeti: Depressing.

homer simpson

Hope to see you guys next time — love Nessie.

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27 Feb 2017
4 Comments

Russian Hacks Erie Election?

election bigfootErie, Pennsylvania — Scandal has struck in Erie Pennsylvania. It seems a recent election held by The Erie County Chapter of Bigfoot Hunters and People who Wander in the Woods Aimlessly for club president has erupted in controversy.

The losing candidate, Ron Smith, has called foul, asserting the election was stolen from him by the Russians. “It was that shifty rat Sergey,” Mr. Smith stated referring to Sergey Pavlychko another member of the organization. “We all wrote our votes down on a piece of paper and Sergey went around collecting them in Skeeter McDougall’s ‘Sasquatch your back’ hat. Explain to me why Sergey was the one who volunteered to collect the votes?”

sasquatch

The humorous baseball cap at the center of the controversy.

“I’m the sergeant-at-arms; it’s my job to collect the votes,” Sergey explained. “And tell that asshat I’m Ukrainian.”

“I’ve heard that Sergey’s cousin’s neighbor has a friend who lives two villages over from a guy who once met a farmer who raises pigs, and that farmer sold a pig to a butcher who made bacon that he sold to a chef who then used that bacon to make a bacon sandwich that Vladimir Putin ate…and I heard it was delicious. And then I lose this election–that can’t be a coincidence,” Ron stated.

“Asshat,” Sergey reiterated.

Ron then revealed that before the vote, he asked every member who they were going to vote for and they all said they were voting for him.

“Ron has remarkably bad breath and he spits a lot when he talks,” a member who wished to remain anonymous reported. “You’d tell him anything to get him away from your face.”

“The biggest problem with Ron is that he is almost completely stupid,” said Larry Smith, his victorious opponent and nephew. “Aunt Leona calls him the shame of family.”

“This election is illegitimate and I will do anything necessary to undermine Larry’s presidency, even to the point of destroying this organization,” a defiant Ron exclaimed.

“The family Christmas is going to suck more than usual this year,” Larry said.

While Ron has called for multiple recounts and a probe into Sergey’s Russian pig butcher ties, the results of the election stand.

Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment. Evidently he was somewhere in the Russian countryside, shirtless, riding a horse bareback, looking for grizzly bears to wrestle.

putin horseback

“Who doesn’t love a good bacon sandwich?”

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