idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the month “February, 2025”

18 Feb 2025
2 Comments

It’s National Pluto Day!

I woke up today in a state of pure joy and anticipation.
What was the impetus for this intense state of excitement?
Did I get a big promotion at work?
Not with my work ethic.
Did that pretty woman I asked on a date agree to go out with me?
I never got a definitive answer; by the time I’d wiped the pepper spray from my eyes, she was gone.
Did my order of Sea-Monkeys finally come in?
Are you crazy–I’m not Sea-Monkey excited.
Today is National Pluto Day.
An entire day to soak in the greatness of that loveable cartoon dog.
It is a little weird that he’s a dog owned by a mouse, but that aside, Pluto has brought joy to audiences for nearly a century.
I decorated extensively in preparation (balloons), but then I discovered National Pluto Day pertains to the dwarf planet Pluto and not the beloved animated pet.
I must admit that I was disappointed; Pluto isn’t even a proper planet anymore.
I wish my Sea-Monkeys had come today.
But then I rebounded; so what if Pluto isn’t a full planet anymore? I could still celebrate its existence.
Pluto was named after the Roman god of the underworld; that’s interesting, right?
Its existence was surmised in the late 19th century by observing perturbations in the orbit of Uranus. (Insert your own joke here.)
Visual confirmation of Pluto was made in 1930, and it subsequently became our solar system’s ninth planet.
However, in later years, many other objects were discovered orbiting in the same volume as Pluto, indicating that Pluto is part of a group called the Kuiper belt.
(Not to be confused by the belt worn by longtime major league infielder and broadcaster Duane Kuiper; they’re two different things.)
In 2006, Pluto lost its status as a planet and was reclassified as a dwarf planter; it’s all very sad.
On a more positive note, today is also National Flirting Day, so see if you can’t do something with that.

Posted in funny, History, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , ,
16 Feb 2025
2 Comments

I Missed National Slap Day!

Did you know February 15th was National Slap Day?

Neither did I and now we’ve completely missed it; it makes me so angry.

Today is National Almond Day; what the hell am I supposed to do with that?

You might advise me not to cry over spilled milk, but National Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day was February 11th; I missed that one, too.

It makes me so furious that I want to slap someone, but I missed my opportunity.

My life is littered with regrets.

  • The time I saw a pretty girl, and I didn’t introduce myself.
  • The time I saw a pretty girl, and I did introduce myself. (The pepper spray was entirely uncalled for.)
  • Every time I’ve uttered the phrase ‘what’s the worst that could happen’ right before doing something really stupid.
  • The time as a child, I tried to melt Play-Doh on the stove.
  • The time as an adult, I tried to melt Play-Doh on the stove. (I’m not sure what I thought would have changed, certainly not smoke alarms.)
  • The time my uncle told me to grab the electric fence behind my grandmother’s house…and I listened to him.
  • The shocking amount of times I’ve underestimated the power of electricity.
  • When my girlfriend asked me, “How stupid do you think I am? ” and I gave a quantifying answer.
  • The sheer disappointment that is certain to be felt by anyone directed to this blog after searching for National Slap Day just to discover they have missed it.
  • The sheer disappointment this blog causes in general.
  • My Hello Kitty phase. (I’m just joking–I regret nothing about that!)
  • That I have once again missed National Toothache Day.

That’s right. February 9th was National Toothache Day, and it blew right past me.

The decorations never made it out of the box, and I completely forgot about the traditional National Toothache Day dinner: Gummi Bears, Mountain Dew, and a big heaping bowl of molasses, followed by poor oral hygiene.

I’m starting to feel anxious, but National Stress Day isn’t until November 4th.

You have no idea how much that stresses me out!

From this point forward, I’m marking my calendar.

I’ve already circled March 5th: National Multiple Personality Day.

Last year, I relied on one of my other personalities to remind me, but the only thing they ever told me was to kill again.

But this year, we’ll be ready.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,
13 Feb 2025
2 Comments

Don’t Answer; It’s a Trap

You’re sitting there casually watching the chick flick of her choice. It’s not a bad movie; you’re enjoying its whimsical humor. About two-thirds through the movie, just as you’ve become emotionally invested in the characters, she suddenly turns to you and pops this landmine under your feet: do you think Julia Roberts is prettier than me?

The following conversation results:

Her: Do you think Julia Roberts is prettier than me?

(You hear the landmine’s triggering mechanism click, and you’re afraid to move.)

You: Um…I don’t know.

Her: It’s a simple question. Do you think she’s prettier than me or not?

You: Of course not, you’re much prettier.

(You think you may have defused the landmine, but you still feel trepidatious about taking a step.)

Her: Why are you being a liar?

(Nope; still undefused.)

Her: If you think she’s pretty, you can say so.

You: Okay. I think Julia Roberts is attractive.

Her: Which is it? Is she pretty, or is she attractive?’

You: What’s the difference?

Her: If you don’t know the difference between the two words, how can you properly use either one?

You: I guess I would say she’s very attractive.

Her: Oh, so now she’s very attractive. Is she gorgeous?

You: I guess to some guys.

Her: What kind of guys?

You: Guys who…have the ability of sight.

(Several moments of uncomfortable silence.)

Her: I suppose you wish I looked like Julia Roberts.

You: No. I don’t need a woman who’s gorgeous; you’re fine.

(The sheer stupidity of the statement hits you immediately; an impending feeling that you won’t make it out of this alive is beginning to set in.)

Her: Do you want to know what I wish?

You: I sincerely doubt it.

Her: I wish you looked like Hugh Grant.

You: I wish I looked like Hugh Grant.

Her: You do?

You: Sure. Then I could find a girlfriend who looks like Julia Roberts.

(Deafening silence. You can’t stand on the landmine much longer before your legs give out.)

Her: Maybe I should just make an appointment with a plastic surgeon tomorrow and get all my horrible flaws fixed.

You: Don’t bother; I don’t think the plastic surgeon can fix bitchy.

(Boom! Body parts are everywhere.)

Don’t feel too bad; you never stood a chance. It was an old, faulty Soviet landmine; it was going to go off no matter what.

Posted in funny, health, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , ,
05 Feb 2025

What the Hell, Google?

The other day, I went to Google in search of a bit of information, as I am an inquisitive individual, and I began my request with the word what.

A perfectly normal word with which to begin a search for knowledge.

If I had typed in the question, what is a perfectly normal word to begin a search for knowledge, the word what could have readily been the answer.

However, as I typed in the word what and hit the space bar, Google, without hesitation, auto-filled the remainder of my question with: what mushrooms shouldn’t you eat out of cow poop?

What the hell, Google?

That’s not even remotely the question I was going to ask, and I’m a little offended that you presumed that was the direction I was heading.

In fact, Google, you popped that out so quickly it was as if you were just waiting for me to type the word what so you could shove that remark about the mushrooms in cow poop in my face.

If I had typed in the word who, would you have responded with: who likes to eat mushrooms out of cow poop, you maybe?

Maybe I was about to inquire about the unified field theory and how it allows all fundamental forces and elementary particles to be written in terms of a single type of field or about the influence of French Baroque architecture on the 17th century.

I wasn’t going to ask either of those things; I was going to ask if Dandelion Yellow crayons actually taste like dandelions, but you didn’t know that.

I was curious because the Banana Mania-colored crayons tasted absolutely nothing like bananas — I mean, they weren’t even close.

I wrote a strongly worded letter to the Crayola company regarding their false advertising.

It’s not even a question I need answered; you should almost never eat mushrooms out of cow poop. When I say almost never, I mean only do it when nobody is watching.

If Crayola had a color named Mushrooms in Cow Poop, I certainly wouldn’t eat that; I’ve had enough disappointment in my life.

What if someone had been trying to ask an important question such as, what shall I do? My husband is being attacked by a pack of vicious mink?

But you respond with your nonsense about mushrooms in cow poop. By the time that poor person has the answers they need, those mink will have chewed that man’s ears off and run away with them.

It’s what mink do; that’s why they used to make coats out of them.

So, from this point forward, you can keep your opinions to yourself. Let me ask the questions.

Questions like: what is the best way to get crayon out of your teeth? That’s a question that needs to be answered.

Posted in funny, Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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