idiotpruf

Four-Way Nightmare

As you drive down the road, you begin to feel a queasiness in your stomach. You don’t know what is causing this feeling, but you know something is out there, looming in the distance.

The farther you travel, the uneasiness transitions to a feeling of impending doom.

Then you see it.

That queasiness in your stomach constricts into a tight knot. Your heart pounds. Tendrils of fear speed down your spine.

Your palms dampen, and beads of sweat build on your forehead.

You are bearing down on a four-way stop in rural Pennsylvania.

The 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania is the Bermuda Triangle of the driving world. The gauges in your vehicle begin to malfunction, and the laws of physics falter.

You become disoriented as a form of temporary stupidity sets in–on occasion, the stupidity is permanent. 

The rules of polite society crumble into chaos.

Despite the evidence, there is a distinct set of rules to follow when approaching a 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania:

1. Prepare your insurance information before you get to the intersection in anticipation of the inevitable collision.
2. Ease your way toward the intersection, displaying cautious trepidation.
3. Make eye contact with the other motorists, looking for signs of fear and weakness.
4. Identify the motorist displaying the most fear and weakness; he has the right of way.
5. Wait for the motorist who has the right of way to go.
6. Realize by his dull, lifeless eyes, the driver with the right of way has no clue he has the right of way. (You’re not sure if he knows he’s driving.)
7. Sigh disgustedly when nobody goes.
8. Spend several interminable moments as all four motorists gawk numbly at each other.
9. Disgustedly pull into the intersection.
10. Slam on the brakes after all four motorists have pulled into the intersection simultaneously.
11. Slowly put your vehicle in reverse as you suspiciously eye the other motorists.
12. Exclaim, “What the hell is wrong with these idiots,” when, again, nobody goes.
13. Decide you’ve had enough and floor it.
14. Push the airbag away from your face as it deflates.
15. Marvel at the 4 car collision you’ve just been a part of.
16. Curse loudly…or at least as loudly as you can with a broken jaw.

The following warning sign should be before every 4-way stop in rural Pennsylvania:

Amelia Earhart didn’t disappear over the Bermuda Triangle; she’s at a 4-way stop outside of Erie, Pennsylvania, shaking her fist at a bunch of idiots.

Addendum: On occasion, in rural Pennsylvania, one of the conveyances at the four-way stop will be an Amish buggy. If that is the case, be prepared to be flipped off by an angry Amish dude and bitten by a horse.