idiotprufs

Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the day “July 28, 2021”

Jumping Spiders?

I saw this headline on my newsfeed the other day.

jumping spider

Jumping Spiders Seem to Have a Cognitive Ability Only Previously Found in Vertebrates.

My first thought: there are spiders that can jump? Nobody told me that. I don’t think that should allowed. It’s bad enough they can hang down from the ceiling and drop into the chocolate milk of poor unsuspecting children. Then when one of those innocent (almost angelic) children goes to take a sip, they encounter a horrible wriggling beast.

What is normally a delicious and comforting beverage is transformed into a glass of chocolaty terror. An incident like that could put some children completely off chocolate milk. Not me, but some children.

If you made a list of things you don’t want to have the ability to jump, spiders would likely be on that list.

  • Spiders
  • Snakes
  • Scorpions
  • Piranha
  • Possessed dolls
  • Elmo dolls: the whole tickle me thing is just creepy
  • Evil penguins
  • Penguins that aren’t evil, but have the tendency to be churlish
  • Hippos: you don’t want anything that can knock over a car, to have the ability to jump
  • Leprechauns: leprechauns are evil; evil things shouldn’t be able to jump
  • Any of the Kardashians: see previous two list items for explanation

Then I started thinking about the fact that these jumping spiders have a cognitive ability only previously found in vertebrates.

I’m a vertebrate! I’m almost certain of it. Despite what I’ve been told, I pretty sure I have a backbone.

So there are spiders out there that not only have the ability to jump, but they have the same cognitive ability that I have? I don’t want to brag, but if I were a spider, I think I’d be a clever one.

I may not be brilliant as a human being, but if you transferred my intelligence level into a spider, I’d be at least above average. I’m not saying I’d be the smartest spider out there; I’d be no tarantula, but I’d be smarter than those daddy-longlegs dullards.

When I consider the trouble I’m capable of causing as a human, I can’t imagine damage I could inflict if I were a jumping spider.

Something needs to be done about these jumping spiders.

Let’s go scientific community; it’s time to put your heads together and come up with a solution.

Things go extinct all of the time. Things that we aren’t even trying to kill. Things that have never once been in a glass of chocolate milk.

How many small children have to be traumatized before something is done?

chocolate milk
There may or may not be a jumping spider in there. Take a sip.

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