I can Feel my Heisman Drought About to End
As the college football season is winding down my excitement continues to grow. I find myself nearly bursting with anticipation.
This is my year–I can feel it.
I have made it abundantly clear, I deserve the Heisman Trophy.
How many times can they deny me?
How long will injustice prevail?
What do I need to do before the Downtown Athletic Club will acknowledge my achievements?
When will this trophy be mine?
Granted, I may not strictly meet the qualifications to win a Heisman Trophy.
The Heisman Trophy is awarded to: the outstanding college football player whose performance best exhibits the pursuit of excellence with integrity.
I don’t meet the definition of a student athlete in its purest form.
I don’t play college football at any level. I have never played college football at any level. I’ve never even played Madden. Nor am I currently enrolled at any university, college or trade school. Who am I kidding–I can barely read and write.
Note: I do constantly receive emails from the University of Phoenix, that has to count for something.
And I will admit, I misspelled the word Heisman the first several times I typed it (I before E my butt).
But when did the universities of our nation become so rigid in their thinking?
I am brimming with excellence and integrity.
I’ve never been accused of double homicide. That’s right, I’m looking at you 1968 Heisman Trophy winner, O. J. Simpson.
Do you think the Heisman committee is proud to have that name on their list?
They gave Reggie Bush a Heisman Trophy (2005) and then snatched it away a few years later. Where’s that Heisman Trophy now? I’ll take that one.
Note: evidently enticing a student athlete to your school by giving his mother a house with a giant pile of cash in the living room is frowned upon.
Tom Harmon was awarded the Heisman Trophy in 1940. He is considered to be one of the greatest football players in the University of Michigan’s history. He was also a war hero, having been awarded the Silver Star and Purple Heart, after his fighter plane was shot down over Japanese occupied China.
He went on to have a long and successful career as an actor and broadcaster. He is also the father of collegiate football star and popular actor Mark Harmon. Tom Harmon was a great man who lived an extraordinary life.
However, his grandchildren went on to form the musical group Nelson, that has to be a mark against him.
In 1984 Doug Flutie was given the Heisman Trophy. I’m sure he deserved the award, but he’s just so freakin’ tiny.
What’s next, are we going to give Cap’n Crunch the Heisman Trophy?
I’m told the leading candidate this season is Baker Mayfield.
Here’s a picture of Baker Mayfield grabbing his crotch on the sideline as a way of taunting players from The University of Kansas.
I have never grabbed my crotch on national television.
Honestly, I don’t see how I can’t win.