Hiccup Gremlins and a Punch in the Face
Experts will tell you that hiccups are a myoclonus of the diaphragm, that results in an abrupt rush of air into the lungs. You get them when the vagus nerve, which runs from the brain to the abdomen, is irritated. They are most commonly the result of digestive disturbances.
Well that’s just crazy talk–everyone knows hiccups are caused by gremlins.
There are some who will tell you that gremlins don’t exist; people who think they’re so much smarter than you.
They think they’re smarter because they have years of medical training, or they’ve read books, or they’ve never been described as “bat crap crazy” by a certified mental health professional.
Some think they’re smarter because they’ve never been arrested for slapping a mime in the face, or for urinating on a police car.
But does that make them smarter than you?
It Probably does, but you still shouldn’t listen to them: can you really trust a person who’s never slapped a mime in the face?
But now you have hiccups–how do you get rid of them?
After doing an extensive amount of research I’ve unearthed several potential hiccup remedies.
Scaring someone: this will only result in a punch in the face.
Tickling: this will also lead to a punch in the face.
Punching someone in the face: while there are several perfectly sound reasons for punching someone in the face, curing hiccups is not one of them.
A spoonful of sugar: Mary Poppins is a liar–never take medical advice from a person who randomly breaks into song.
- A spoonful of peanut butter: this will actually give you hiccups if you don’t have them. If you already have hiccups, and you eat a spoonful of peanut butter, your esophagus will explode.
- Drinking a glass of water while standing on your head: this is something made up by your friends so they can take your picture and post it on Instagram.
Inhaling paprika: your friends are cruel liars.
Holding your breath: this will cause you to lose consciousness. You will wake up with a bump on your head, still burdened with the hiccups, and with a blurry view of your friends posting another picture on Instagram.
- Putting your hand in warm water while your sleeping. (Sorry. This comes from an entirely different list. Your friends will definitely post the results of this on Instagram and a punch in the face will be forthcoming.)
- Fifty small drinks of water without taking a breath: at sip 42–yes, at exactly sip 42–you will involuntarily take a breath and inhale the water, coughing and expelling the water from your nose.
- Fifty small drinks of vodka without taking a breath: the same as above, but with the added aspect of vomiting.
- Putting your fingers in your ears: you still have the hiccups, but at least you can’t hear your friends laughing.
- Holding your tongue with your fingers: if you can’t trust Wikipedia, who can you trust?
This is the point: hiccups cannot be cured, they are caused by gremlins. You simply have to wait for the gremlins to tire, or get bored–it’s science.