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Some of Tom Cruise’s Other Responsibilities

What? You have aliens in your body. I'm on it.

What? You have aliens in your body. I’m on it.

In the new book, “Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood & The Prison of Belief.” Lawrence Wright details Tom Cruise’s involvement in The Church of Scientology and the ultimate responsibility of both: protect humanity from the aliens living in our bodies, who are bent on destroying us and ultimately the planet.

It’s about time somebody got on this. I don’t know how many sleepless nights I’ve spent tossing and turning, fretting over the aliens living in our bodies, who are bent on destroying us and ultimately the planet.

Now that I know Tom’s on the case, I can allay these alien fears, because I know that once Tom Cruise starts something, he will see it through to the end, just ask his wife Mimi Rogers.

Sorry. Just ask his wife Nicole Kidman.

Again, sorry. Just ask his wife Katie Holmes.

Really? They seemed so happy.

Katie Holmes runs 26.2 miles: ITS THE FARTHEST SHE'S GOTTEN YET!

Katie Holmes runs 26.2 miles: ITS THE FARTHEST SHE’S GOTTEN YET!

Note: When I write that I’m no longer fretting over the alien living in my body, I’m not referring to the tapeworm, I’ve named him Henry, and he still bothers me.

Anyway, I am now freed to focus on some other wildly delusional phobias that I’ve been ignoring for far to long.

  • I fear that bio-terrorists have been working on an insidious virus that will turn half the population into mimes. It will cause the second half of the population to become emotionally unstable and distraught to the point of suicidal thoughts, mostly because the first half of the population are mimes.
  • I fear that garden gnomes are evil creatures that rest dormant during the day, scheming and plotting against me. They come life at night to carry out their nefarious garden gnome plans. Their evil plans consist mostly of getting drunk on Iron City Beer and peeing on the side of my house. I hate them.

    Iron City Beer goes straight through you.

    Iron City Beer goes straight through you.

  • I fear that my neighbor won’t see it my way when he finds all of his garden gnomes smashed with a shovel.
  • I fear the Amish Mafia: it’s some of the scariest fiction on television.
  • I fear that the cast of Jersey Shore will move into the house next to me. And they’ll bring garden gnomes.
  • I still fear that a roving horde of screeching Brazilian stink monkeys  will break into my home and handle all my possessions with their filthy stink monkey paws. I fear they will rub all my possessions over their filthy stink monkey bodies and return them to their place of origin, leaving only a lingering stench and an occassional stray hair as evidence of their activity.
  • I fear that Tom Cruise will never find true happiness. I hope Church of Scientology does a better job in choosing his next wife; she’s probably currently starring on the Disney Channel.

Maybe once Tom gets this aliens in our bodies thing sorted out, he can tackle some of the aforementioned problems, Jack Reacher would get it done.

Henry loves Buffalo wings.

Henry loves Buffalo wings.

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19 thoughts on “Some of Tom Cruise’s Other Responsibilities

  1. Was just wonderin’ if you could pass on my info to Henry. Sounds like he’d be fun to hang out wid’. (uh…guess you’re invited, too…)


  2. AnElephantCant help thinking
    Your view on gnomes is not a delusional phobia
    But he has a solution
    Stop their revolution
    By making sure the little pointy-heads get no beer


  3. …wait, there are aliens inside our bodies? Well, I’m off to grab a beer, then. I didn’t realize I was supposed to be drinking for two.


  4. The cast of Jersey Shore is more frightening than peeing gnomes and aliens inside our bodies. I’m scared that they will spawn an entire generation of idiots trying to emulate them. Wait…


  5. You must have some major therapy bills with all those fears.

    As for Tom Cruise, well, what can I say that hasn’t already been said?…


  6. Garden gnomes are doing exactly that.
    Katie needs to look into some support garments.


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