Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Archive for the tag “Scientology”

Meet the New Neighbors

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New neighbors have moved in next to you, and you are hopeful of the type of neighbors they will be. Will they be quiet and tidy? Will they have well behaved children or pets that won’t bark all night or crap on your lawn? Will they be fun people who invite you to barbeques?

Then you meet them and your hopes are dashed. There are certain things you just don’t want to hear come out of your new neighbor’s mouth:

  • We’re members of the Society of Obese Nudists, we’ll be holding our weekly meetings in the backyard.
  • Would you like to meet Yancey and Theodore, our pet howler monkeys.
  • If you hear weird sounds or see odd lights emanating from our basement, don’t worry about it, I’ll just be conducting a few experiments. By the way, if you have any spare DNA lying around, I could really use it.
  • Hi, I’m Charlie Sheen, could I borrow a cup of cocaine? I seemed to have left my cocaine suitcase with my porn star girlfriend.
  • Do you like garden gnomes as much as I like garden gnomes? I hope you do, because I have hundreds of them.
  • I’m Hannibal Lecter, I’d love to have you over for dinner.
  • We’re not actual neonazis, they weren’t radical enough for us. But I’m sure that you and I will get along just fine Mr. Abramowitz.
  • Out entire family just loves to yodel.
  • No. We don’t shave off all of our body hair because the cult makes us, we just like the way it feels. Although, the testicle piercing is mandatory.
  • I’m Tom Cruise, could I interest you in some literature on how Scientology will change your life.
  • Don’t mind all the roosters, they only crow at sunrise.
  • Don’t worry about all the rats you see us carrying in, we use them to feed all of our giant pet snakes. They only escape once in a while…but if you have small children, keep an eye out.
  • You won’t have to worry about noisy lawnmowers with us, all the goats and sheep take care of our lawn.
  • You might recognize us from our television show–Jersey Shore.

    Bad neighbor
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Even worse neighbors.
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Some of Tom Cruise’s Other Responsibilities

What? You have aliens in your body. I'm on it.

What? You have aliens in your body. I’m on it.

In the new book, “Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood & The Prison of Belief.” Lawrence Wright details Tom Cruise’s involvement in The Church of Scientology and the ultimate responsibility of both: protect humanity from the aliens living in our bodies, who are bent on destroying us and ultimately the planet.

It’s about time somebody got on this. I don’t know how many sleepless nights I’ve spent tossing and turning, fretting over the aliens living in our bodies, who are bent on destroying us and ultimately the planet.

Now that I know Tom’s on the case, I can allay these alien fears, because I know that once Tom Cruise starts something, he will see it through to the end, just ask his wife Mimi Rogers.

Sorry. Just ask his wife Nicole Kidman.

Again, sorry. Just ask his wife Katie Holmes.

Really? They seemed so happy.

Katie Holmes runs 26.2 miles: ITS THE FARTHEST SHE'S GOTTEN YET!

Katie Holmes runs 26.2 miles: ITS THE FARTHEST SHE’S GOTTEN YET!

Note: When I write that I’m no longer fretting over the alien living in my body, I’m not referring to the tapeworm, I’ve named him Henry, and he still bothers me.

Anyway, I am now freed to focus on some other wildly delusional phobias that I’ve been ignoring for far to long.

  • I fear that bio-terrorists have been working on an insidious virus that will turn half the population into mimes. It will cause the second half of the population to become emotionally unstable and distraught to the point of suicidal thoughts, mostly because the first half of the population are mimes.
  • I fear that garden gnomes are evil creatures that rest dormant during the day, scheming and plotting against me. They come life at night to carry out their nefarious garden gnome plans. Their evil plans consist mostly of getting drunk on Iron City Beer and peeing on the side of my house. I hate them.

    Iron City Beer goes straight through you.

    Iron City Beer goes straight through you.

  • I fear that my neighbor won’t see it my way when he finds all of his garden gnomes smashed with shovel.
  • I fear the Amish Mafia: it’s some of the scariest fiction on television.
  • I fear that the cast of Jersey Shore will move into the house next to me. And they’ll bring garden gnomes.
  • I still fear that a roving horde of screeching Brazilian stink monkeys  will break into my home and handle all my possessions with their filthy stink monkey paws. I fear they will rub all my possessions over their filthy stink monkey bodies and return them to their place of origin, leaving only a lingering stench and an occassional stray hair as evidence of their activity.
  • I fear that Tom Cruise will never find true happiness. I hope Church of Scientology does a better job in choosing his next wife; she’s probably currently starring on the Disney Channel.

Maybe once Tom gets this aliens in our bodies thing sorted out, he can tackle some of the aforementioned problems, Jack Reacher would get it done.

Henry loves Buffalo wings.

Henry loves Buffalo wings.

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