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Federal Government: Mermaids Don’t Exist.

Purveyor of lies.
image source: wikipedia

In a shocking turn of events, The United States National Oceanic and atmospheric Administration has recently released a statement debunking the existence of mermaids. “No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found,” it states on its ocean facts page. (Seriously, they did.)

The NOAA fact page went on to explain how the movie “The Little Mermaid,” was rife with ugly distortions and lies. “The people at Disney should be ashamed of themselves for producing such a misleading representation of aquatic life,” one NOAA official stated. “Although I did cry at end a little,” he later admitted.

NASA, not to be outdone, quickly released their own statement, declaring unequivocally, “there is no man in the moon and it is not made of green cheese. It’s pretty much just a big dust covered rock.”

While we’re all familiar with Neil Armstrong’s famous quote: “That’s one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind.” Most of us have never heard the full quote: “That’s one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind. Wait a minute…what the…there’s no cheese up here. There’s nothing up here but dirt and bunch of useless moon rocks. Hey Buzz you can forget about the wine, there’s nothing out here but dust. What a freaking gype…this place blows.”

Now that our government has put aside the mermaid question; it can move on to the serious and pressing matter that has been plaguing our national conscientiousness: unicorns, do they exist, and why do little girls love them so much?

Note: the mythical beast called The Kracken is real; don’t mess with The Kracken.

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22 thoughts on “Federal Government: Mermaids Don’t Exist.

  1. ミュウミュウ 財布 二つ折り


  2. hugh g rection on said:

    If you blithering assbags believe everything the guvmint says and feel somehow good about that then god help us all. You turd burglars…governments lie you retards….wake up shitheds…..


  3. lickingthebeater on said:

    you better not be getting six thousand of the same comment because eveytime i post it the page crashes, so here it is for the last time- i said, “wow that press release would have damaged a lot of people where i live- you can buy fused-together snorkel fins and a long body stocking with scales painted on it to join a group of mermaid enthusiasts and participate in their activity of ‘mermaiding’. yes, mermaid is a verb now.”


    • I only got one comment from you. I had never heard of mermaiding. We do have zombie enthusiasts where I live. They dress up like zombies and walk down the street like zombies.


  4. My comment seems very out of context to your post, I realise. What I meant was that while I was warming my toes (in the other part of the room, the warmer part) my husband was reading about the ‘fact’ that mermaids don’t exist, from the computer screen… oh well.

    Do you have days like this?


  5. “there is no man in the moon and it is not made of green cheese”. Yes there is. He’s on the dark side eating gorgonzola. Nobody goes near him because his breath smells.

    I read that. Well, no, I didn’t read it. It was one of the things my husband read out to me while I was warming my toes in another part of the room. (The warmer part.)


  6. Like I’m going to believe a government agency – meh!


  7. Wait a second…there’s a question about whether or not unicorns exist? They do, right? How else do the mermaids get around on land?


  8. Funny! Now on to more important things. Just what these things are is anyone’s guess.


  9. I’m sorry, what? No evidence of aquatic humanoids? What a load of jizz. If they didn’t exist, why would Disney make an ENTIRE film about them? That’s like saying lions can’t make friends with meerkats and warthogs, and little wooden puppets can’t turn into real boys. What a load of tosh.


  10. There was a recent mock “documentary” about mermaids on TV, and apparently many people thought it was true. Ahh, such is the sweetness of gullibility.


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