idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Archive for the month “June, 2012”

Klutzy or Unlucky: the Numbers Don’t Lie.

Which number is higher: the amount of times you have inadvertently set off someone’s smoke alarm, or the amount of times you have been crapped on by a bird?

I know those things seem random, but there is a point.

As a small child I decided that it would be the height of scientific experimentation, to melt Play-Doh in frying pan. My mother disagreed in the strongest terms possible.

My ticket to scientific discovery.
image source: dgisbent.blogspot.com

I found out a few things that day:

  • Play-Doh doesn’t melt as much as it burns.
  • Burning Play-Doh gives off a nasty smelling smoke.
  • Smoke from burning Play-Doh, will set off a smoke alarm.
  • Smoke alarms are loud.
  • A screaming mother, upon finding you melting Play-Doh on the stove, is really loud.
  • What you see as great scientific discovery, your mother sees as destroying her good pan.
  • Stoves are dangerous to a small child.
  • Ruining your mother’s favorite pan, is really dangerous to a small child.
  • The question “what were you thinking?” is rhetorical, and should by no means be answered.
  • The Nobel Prize committee is horribly short-sighted.

What I thought would happen.
image source: zimbio.com

That was the first time I set off someone’s smoke alarm.

The second time, I detailed in my post An Act of God?

The third time, I was starting a fire in a friend’s fireplace. (This time was not my fault, but that’s an entire story unto itself.)

How many times I set off someone’s smoke alarm: three.

When I was about ten years old, I was playing tag with some of my cousins in my grandfather’s hay loft. I felt a slap on my back, but when I turned around, there was nobody behind me. I thought this was weird until someone pointed out to me-in between fits of hysterical laughter-that there was a giant load of bird crap on my back of my jacket.

That was the first time a bird crapped on me.

The second time a bird crapped on me, I was playing baseball and the bird crap actually landed in my baseball glove.

The third a bird crapped on me, I was walking down the street, and it landed on my shoulder.

The fourth a bird crapped on me, it landed on my baseball cap. I don’t remember where I was; what I do remember, is it hanging from the bill of my cap.

How many times a bird had crapped on me: four.

By a ratio of 4:3 I’m more unlucky than I am klutzy. (Don’t laugh, it’s science.)

This formula was created by a group of highly regarded scientists who had nothing better to do. They’re the same scientists that McDonalds employed to keep the hot side hot and the cold side cold; they’re that good.

Their work is this impressive.
image source: sweettaterblog.com

Do the math for yourself; you’ll see that I’m right.

UPDATE: Muppet vs. Moppet Intensifies.

Adding to the string of bizarre and suspicious accidents to have recently plagued Canadian pop star Justin Bieber, it seems he has now fallen down a flight of stairs. According to the Daily News , Bieber was unconscious for up to five minutes after the fall.

A bystander claims to have seen a wild-eyed man fleeing the scene. “He had this crazy tuft of shockingly orange hair, and if I’m not mistaken, was screaming, meep meep meep.”

“He brushed against me,” another witness said. “He seemed to be made of felt and some type of latex foam.” (Jim Henson was a pioneer in the use of latex foam puppets on a large-scale.)

A spokesperson for the Muppets released the following statement: We wish Mr. Bieber a speedy recovery, and want to make it perfectly clear that any rumors of a feud between Mr. Bieber and Beaker, are completely unfounded. At the time of Mr. Bieber’s incident, Beaker was in the lab with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew. Something exploded and Beaker was set on fire; it was just a typical day for him.

But I know the facts, and by facts, I do mean wild speculation.

In case you may have missed it, here is my original post regarding the feud between Bieber and Beaker, and how it started:

Muppet vs. Moppet

You have probably seen the recent photos of a disheveled Justin Bieber standing on the side of the street. The story is that Justin assaulted a photographer who was attempting to take a picture of him and Selena Gomez. But that’s not what happened.

Maybe you’ve also heard that he received a concussion while walking into a glass door while leaving the stage at a concert in Paris, France. Do you expect us to believe that anyone is stupid enough to walk into a glass door?–actually, I walked into a glass door once, it really did kind of hurt–Do you expect us to believe that anyone other than myself, is stupid enough to walk into a glass door? That’s not what happened either.

The truth is uglier. Much uglier.

I have an anonymous source who tells me that there is a raging feud going on between Justin Bieber and Beaker the muppet. A feud that at times has become physical.

anonymous source.

“Well, Bieber did this thing with Elmo and he was just hanging around back stage, kinda acting like a big shot. So here comes Beaker on his lunch break. Evidently one of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew’s experiments had gone horribly awry that day, which they have a tendency to do. This poor guy had been electrocuted, blown-up, set on fire, covered with spiders, punched in the face, cloned, shrunken and deflated, just to name a few. Seriously, the guy was actually deflated once, can you imagine that.  So here comes Beaker and he’s all stressed out and what does he see: Justin Bieber sitting there with his feet propped up, chowing down on Beaker’s lunch like he’s king of the world. So Beaker flips out, he’s waving his arms around and he’s yelling, “meep meep meep.” Bieber just starts laughing at him. Beaker tore into him like a frenzied honey badger. They had to be pulled apart, it was ugly. Now every time they see each other bad things happen. unfortunately Bieber and Beaker tend to run in the same circles, so they’re always bumping into each other. That thing that happen on the street in California, that was no photographer. Go ask Bieber why they found felt under his fingernails. And that thing in France: Bieber just “walked” into that glass door. You know, considering he’s made mostly from felt, Beaker is deceptively strong.”

My anonymous source then had to leave; the chicken waiting for him was getting impatient.

Justin Bieber claims that none of this is true and that he has never had anything but respect for Beaker.

Beaker says, “meep meep meep.”

Perhaps we’ll never know the whole truth.

Muppet vs. Moppet

Muppet vs. Moppet

You have probably seen the recent photos of a disheveled Justin Bieber standing on the side of the street. The story is that Justin assaulted a photographer who was attempting to take a picture of him and Selena Gomez. But that’s not what happened.

Maybe you’ve also heard that he received a concussion while walking into a glass door while leaving the stage at a concert in Paris, France. Do you expect us to believe that anyone is stupid enough to walk into a glass door?–actually, I walked into a glass door once, it really did kind of hurt–Do you expect us to believe that anyone other than myself, is stupid enough to walk into a glass door? That’s not what happened either.

The truth is uglier. Much uglier.

I have an anonymous source who tells me that there is a raging feud going on between Justin Bieber and Beaker the muppet. A feud that at times has become physical.

anonymous source.

“Well, Bieber did this thing with Elmo and he was just hanging around back stage, kinda acting like a big shot. So here comes Beaker on his lunch break. Evidently one of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew’s experiments had gone horribly awry that day, which they have a tendency to do. This poor guy had been electrocuted, blown-up, set on fire, covered with spiders, punched in the face, cloned, shrunken and deflated, just to name a few. Seriously, the guy was actually deflated once, can you imagine that.  So here comes Beaker and he’s all stressed out and what does he see: Justin Bieber sitting there with his feet propped up, chowing down on Beaker’s lunch like he’s king of the world. So Beaker flips out, he’s waving his arms around and he’s yelling, “meep meep meep.” Bieber just starts laughing at him. Beaker tore into him like a frenzied honey badger. They had to be pulled apart, it was ugly. Now every time they see each other bad things happen. unfortunately Bieber and Beaker tend to run in the same circles, so they’re always bumping into each other. That thing that happen on the street in California, that was no photographer. Go ask Bieber why they found felt under his fingernails. And that thing in France: Bieber just “walked” into that glass door. You know, considering he’s made mostly from felt, Beaker is deceptively strong.”

My anonymous source then had to leave; the chicken waiting for him was getting impatient.

Justin Bieber claims that none of this is true and that he has never had anything but respect for Beaker.

Beaker says, “meep meep meep.”

Perhaps we’ll never know the whole truth.

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