Federal Government: Mermaids Don’t Exist.
In a shocking turn of events, The United States National Oceanic and atmospheric Administration has recently released a statement debunking the existence of mermaids. “No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found,” it states on its ocean facts page. (Seriously, they did.)
The NOAA fact page went on to explain how the movie “The Little Mermaid,” was rife with ugly distortions and lies. “The people at Disney should be ashamed of themselves for producing such a misleading representation of aquatic life,” one NOAA official stated. “Although I did cry at end a little,” he later admitted.
NASA, not to be outdone, quickly released their own statement, declaring unequivocally, “there is no man in the moon and it is not made of green cheese. It’s pretty much just a big dust covered rock.”
While we’re all familiar with Neil Armstrong’s famous quote: “That’s one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind.” Most of us have never heard the full quote: “That’s one small step for man; one giant leap for mankind. Wait a minute…what the…there’s no cheese up here. There’s nothing up here but dirt and bunch of useless moon rocks. Hey Buzz you can forget about the wine, there’s nothing out here but dust. What a freaking gype…this place blows.”
Now that our government has put aside the mermaid question; it can move on to the serious and pressing matter that has been plaguing our national conscientiousness: unicorns, do they exist, and why do little girls love them so much?
Note: the mythical beast called The Kracken is real; don’t mess with The Kracken.