Where Have I Been?
It has recently been brought to my attention that my presence in the blogosphere has been lacking of late.
I have been presented with a list of possible reasons for my absence:
- After his many failed attempts at winning the Heisman Trophy, he is diligently preparing in hopes of trying out for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
- He spent hours scouring mock NFL drafts searching for his name, lost all sense of time.
- He is dealing with restraining orders after sending several more letters to the Heisman Trophy committee, that apparently had a “threatening tone”.
- He stole the Stanley Cup and scratched his name on it; he was held briefly for questioning by Canadian authorities.
- After it was discovered that he also scratched the phrase “Canadian beer sucks” onto the Stanley Cup. He was incarcerated in a maximum security prison somewhere in Nunavut. Once a week Tie Domi shoots slapshots at his head.
- He has developed Rip Van Winkle’s Sleepy Hollow Disease, or some such thing named after a Washington Irving story.
- The sun got in his eyes.
- The moon got in his eyes.
- He is convalescing from the effects of a severe moonburn.
Note: If the previous item on the list made no sense to you, that’s because it was an inside joke, but trust me, it was freaking hilarious.
- He went whitewater rafting again and is presumed dead, or at least very soggy.
- After commenting that he thought the movie The Godfather sucked, in front of the wrong person, he now rests peacefully with fishes.
- After his tragic and untimely death, he was reincarnated as a banana slug. He was immediately stepped on, but came back as an ostrich; he is still in egg form.
- He became a taster for Anheuser-Busch and is lying drunk in a field somewhere.
- It’s a typical Saturday morning and he is lying drunk in a field somewhere.
- Kim Jung Un invited him to North Korea to ride unicorns with Dennis Rodman. He was stunned, he had always thought that Dennis Rodman was mythological.
- He was abducted by aliens.
- He was abducted by bigfoot.
- He was abducted by an alien bigfoot. (Several photographs were taken as proof. Unfortunately they were all underdeveloped, out of focus, and from a great distance.)
- He was abducted by the Manson Family, Charles Manson tattooed a swastika onto his forehead.
- He was abducted by the Partridge Family, David Cassidy tattooed a swastika onto his forehead. Susan Dey wouldn’t shut-up about LA Law and how hot she looked in the movie Looker. Shirley Jones kept griping about how much it ticked her off when people mistook her for that goody two-shoes, Doris Day. Danny Bonaduce told really bad jokes and bore a striking resemblance to alien bigfoot. Mr. Kincaid’s ashes rested in an urn on the dashboard of the bus. The other two Partridge children weren’t there; nobody could even remember that they had existed. The bus was attacked by Barry Williams and several other cast members from The Brady Bunch. They were fought off with pitchforks.
- Against his better judgement, he attended another family get together. Enormous amounts of alcohol were consumed. A meal was served that consisted of some form of meat, it might have been opossum. A heated argument erupted concerning whether or not the term inbred, is considered to be pejorative. The argument escalated after somebody looked up the word pejorative. Three of his aunts began to chant and attempted to put a hex on him; he threw holy water on them and they melted. Gunfire erupted and several people threw rocks. There were many casualties; nobody important. It was all very traumatic.
It’s been trying, but now I’m back.
Next post: Where I Really Was.
Credit: This list was written or inspired by a fellow Steelers fan, writer, and someone who knows my family.