Perfect Pumpkins and Mary Jo’s Face
Autumn is upon you; there’s a crispness in the air, the birds are on their annual journey south, and your neighbor, Mary Jo, has already begun her ritual of blowing her fallen leaves into your yard.
Another important rite of fall is finding the perfect pumpkin to carve into a jack-o-lantern.
There are many things to look for when searching for the perfect pumpkin.
The pumpkin’s rind should be hard and leathery, much like your neighbor Mary Jo’s face.
It should have no cracks, cuts, or soft spots.
You can test the rind by gently poking it with your fingernail or by shooting it with a crossbow.
As tempting as it may be, do not test Mary Jo’s face by poking it with your fingernail–she bites. Definitely do not, shoot her in the face with a crossbow; you’re not the type who would flourish in prison.
When your fingernail or the arrow hits the pumpkin, it should make a thunk as if it’s hollow–that’s the pumpkin you want.
Actually, you don’t want that pumpkin; you want the pumpkin next to it: some jackass shot that pumpkin with an arrow.
You also want to avoid weak or broken stems; you want to feel a firm, dark green stem. (Add your own filthy joke here.)
A traditional pumpkin will be a solid orange color from top to bottom.
You should look for a round-shaped pumpkin; they are easier to carve and have more seeds for roasting or spitting at people; both activities are fun.
It is optimal to find a pumpkin with a flat bottom. Pumpkins with flat bottoms are more stable and less likely to tip over when lit.
Mary Jo’s flat bottom has the opposite effect.
You should avoid pumpkins with dull or discolored areas on top, which can be evidence of frost damage.
It’s best to avoid pumpkins with small spots or blemishes, as they can indicate a bug infection.
It is astonishing how many of these steps also apply to your neighbor, Mary Jo.
Once you have chosen the perfect pumpkin, it is time to carve the jack-o-lantern.
It’s a good idea to make an outline of the design you want with a marker before carving. You can choose either a funny face or the traditional hideous, scary face.
Mary Jo’s face is a good template for the latter.
You’ll want to use a good-sized carving knife and make sure the blade is plenty sharp. At some point, you will cut your thumb off, and you want the cut to be as clean as possible so the doctors can reattach it without too much difficulty.
Some people like to carve their jack-o-lanterns outside due to the mess, but you may want to avoid carving the jack-o-lantern outdoors; a crow will steal your severed thumb.
Once you’ve finished your jack-o-lantern and cleaned up all the blood (if you are going for a scary jack-o-lantern, the blood spatter may enhance it), you need to find a prominent place to display your handiwork for all to see.
But you would do well to remember: within twenty minutes of placing your jack-o-lantern on your front porch, one of Mary Jo’s slack-jawed reprobate children will smash it in the street.
idiotpruf 