idiotpruf

So Many Questions

I recently saw a news story that had the following opening sentence.

“Texas Longhorns assistant football coach Jeff Banks and his stripper ex-girlfriend have tied the knot three years after being sued by the parents of a child who the stripper’s pet monkey bit at a neighborhood haunted house display.”

Is that not awesome?

Five questions immediately leaped to mind:

1. Why did the article refer to Jeff Banks’s wife as his ex-girlfriend; you had a friend who introduced his wife to people as his ex-girlfriend, she would punch him in the face.
2. Why was the pet monkey at the haunted house? I feel like monkeys are easily startled.
3. Did the monkey bite the child because it was startled, or was it just a mean monkey? Was the child a brat child who was taunting it?
4. Was the brat child okay, or did the child acquire some weird monkey disease, grow fur and a tail and start flinging poop around?
5. Was the pet monkey just a pet, or was it a part of the stripper’s act?

Well, the article answered none of these questions; it just droned on about how beautiful the bride looked and what a joyous occasion it was.

It did disseminate the bit of information that the bride’s stripper name was “Pole Assassin,” which was an appreciated tidbit.

I’ll bet the monkey’s name was Glitter.

I’d also wager the kid was a brat who had it coming.