Bees and Calligraphy
First a few personal facts regarding the differences between bees and calligraphy:
- I have never been stung in the face by calligraphy.
- I have never gotten a D on an art project written in bee.
Good things about bees:
- If you don’t happen to have any Crazy Stinging Amazonian Bastard Ants, Africanized killer bees will work in a pinch.
- It is hysterical when a bee stings a mime.
- Pollination. Bees pollinate a vast array of plants, helping to propagate many types of fruits and flowers. (Incidentally, Fruits and Flowers is the name of the clown act.)
- They make honey, that sweet nectar byproduct without which Pooh bear would have never gotten his head caught in a honey pot, in that adorable image by A. A. Milne. If it weren’t for that image, I’d have nothing tattooed on my left butt cheek.
Good things about calligraphy:
- Because of calligraphy, nib manufacturing is still a thriving business in Bangladeshi sweatshops.
- Without calligraphy wedding invitations would have to be written in silly fonts.
- Anything written in calligraphy looks super classy; like William Shakespeare threw up on a piece of paper. (It’s how the entire first act of Much Ado About Nothing was written.)
Note: This blog has often been referred to as the Shakespeare of humor blogs–sometimes by poet laureates, occasionally by scholars, but mostly by people when I lie about things other people have said. I’ve also won the Pulitzer Prize…twice.
Bad things about bees:
They sting you in the face.
You might be a small child, blissfully playing in your grandmother’s backyard. Behaving in a manner so innocent, its very nature demands the use of the word angelic.
You might have that childhood bliss shattered in a moment when a bee stings you in the face.
You might retreat into your grandmother’s house in a state of distress because a bee has just stung you in the face.
Instead of receiving the consoling, you need, your aunt–who is evil–snidely tells you, “bees only sting you if you bother them.”
Years later you have your revenge at a family picnic when your aunt is stung by a bee. You confidently inform her, “bees only sting fat bitchy women.” Despite the accuracy of your statement, she is not amused.
Bad things about calligraphy:
They make you learn it in Art class.
When I was in school we didn’t get to use the calligraphy pens with the replaceable ink cartridges; we had to use the old-style calligraphy pens that you had to dip in ink wells. This was problematic.
I tended to get ink blots on my assignment, which hurt the final grade. I also got ink on my desk, on my hands, on my face, on my clothes, and weirdly on my left butt cheek. (It was a precursor to the Winnie the Pooh tattoo.)
It was also problematic for the girl at the desk in front of me.
It wasn’t that she had difficulty containing her ink use; it was that my difficulty in containing my ink use, on one occasion, spread to her flaxen blonde hair.
Which then became problematic for me, in a loud and somewhat abusive tone.
I threw around more ink than a pissed-off octopus.
So where do wasps fit in?
Wasps suck at calligraphy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: An Explanation | idiotprufs
That is truly unnerving image – Pooh Bear on a grown man’s butt.
If by unnerving you mean awesome, then you are correct.
Absolutely loved this. Read it aloud to great effect. Well done!
I don’t even recommend reading my posts silently.
Boy, you’re about as nice to family members as I am. Which of course isn’t saying much… I am pretty great at calligraphy, though. Since HS art class.
I’m nice to them if they’re nice to me, unfortunately some are not.
I should have specified that this was meant as a compliment. Family sucks… well, not always… People; people suck pretty much always. 😉
I understood what you meant. Some of my family is fine, some of my family makes the Manson family look like the Von Trapp family.
I can relate – “The HILLS are ALIVE with the sounds of LOSE IT!” My theme-song for every occasion my mother’s family hosts.
Can’t. Clear. Image. Of. Butt. Cheek.
Please tell me it ain’t so.
No one would squat so low as to besmirch Pooh with a pun that pootrid.
Loved the post. Smiled all the way through. (Am going to imagine the aunt actually exists. My mean bee assailed me while I was innocently circling a tree at the age of 5, minding my own d#mn beesness.)
The tattoo is not real. The aunt is very real.
Then I hope her comeuppance was, as well.
Was and still is.
MOL!!!! (ROFL & T)= rolling on the floor laughing and twitching…. MOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Calligraphy humor has that effect.
MOL!@ *(laughing hysterically while rolling on the floor purring)*
Awesome! Bees and calligraphy.
They go together like peanut butter and jelly.
Well done! A great post on bees and calligraphy. Though you did omit the one area where the Venn Diagram overlaps…..when you can make a B with calligraphy!
How could I have missed it?