idiotpruf

Equity For Wolves In Storytelling

Fairytale Land–The wolf community has united in protest against what they perceive as the negative portrayal they receive in fables and fairytales. We have interviewed Mr. Bartholomew Wolf, spokeswolf for The Equity For Wolves In Storytelling, about the situation.

Mr. Wolf: Just look at the end of The Three Little Pigs. The three little pigs boil the wolf in oil, and nobody sheds a tear. In fact, everybody cheers. Just think about how that story begins, they label him as ‘the big bad wolf,’ it’s highly prejudicial. That wolf’s name was Poindexter; he was one of a litter of six, and he had to overcome a stuttering problem as a child–they didn’t tell you that in the fable!

Idiotpruf: When he was boiled in oil, Poindexter was climbing down the chimney to eat the pigs.

Mr. Wolf: What? You’ve never had bacon? You probably had a nice ham dinner last Sunday; I’ll bet no one tried to boil you in oil.

Idiotpruf: Actually, I had vegan tacos.

Mr. Wolf: Really?

Idiotpruf: No. I was joking; vegan tacos are disgusting. But Poindexter wasn’t just trying to eat the three little pigs, he also destroyed the homes of the first two little pigs with his breath.

Mr. Wolf: That’s the most ridiculous part of the story; most wolves smoke two packs a day and couldn’t blow the seeds off a dandelion, let alone destroy a house with their breath.

Idiotpruf: Why do you think there are so many stories where the villain is a wolf: The Three Little Pigs, The Wolf and the Fox, The Wolf and the Seven Young Kids, and Little Red Riding Hood, just to name a few?

Mr. Wolf: I don’t know. Wolves are just like every other woodland creature; we have hopes, dreams, and fears like any denizen of the forest.

Idiotpruf: You do, on occasion, devour your fellow denizens of the forest.

Mr. Wolf: We’re very upfront about that. Besides, if you focus on one negative thing, you can make anything seem bad. Most of the animals in the forest have annoying traits: rabbits are noisy chewers, squirrels smell horrible when they’re wet, and tree frogs are horribly smug.

Idiotpruf: I wouldn’t have guessed that about tree frogs.

Mr. Wolf: That’s because tree frogs have no reason to be smug–they just are.

Idiotpruf: In Little Red Riding Hood, the wolf eats the poor girl’s grandmother.

Mr. Wolf: Little Red Riding Hood is a prime example of how these stories get it wrong about wolves; any self-respecting wolf would never eat the grandmother first; grandmothers are all sinewy and gristle, and they taste like linament.”

Idiotpruf: The story suggests that the wolf ate the grandmother first so he could take her place and fool Little Red Riding Hood so that he could then, in turn, eat her.

Mr. Wolf: What does it say about Little Red Riding Hood that she couldn’t readily tell the difference between her grandmother and a wolf–quite frankly, it’s insulting to the wolf.

Idiotpruf: So you’d be okay with the story if the wolf ate Little Red Riding Hood First?

Mr. Wolf: At least it would make more sense.

Idiotpruf: Just for clarification, as a wolf, you’re okay with the eating of the little girl?

Mr. Wolf: Of course, we’d eat the little girl, I mean, we’re freakin’ wolves.

The interview ended abruptly after that, and Mr. Bartholomew Wolf was stripped of his title as the spokesperson for The Equity For Wolves In Storytelling.