idiotpruf

The blog that prevents scurvy…as long as you eat orange slices while you read it.

Archive for the month “February, 2022”

Remembering a Great

What do these movies have in common?

Bluto from Animal House,

Animal House.

De Niro Idiotprufs

Analyze This.

rodney dangerfield

Back to School.

groundhog caddyshack

Caddyshack.

bill murray stripes

Stripes.

ghostbusters

Ghostbusters

groundhog day

Groundhog Day

One has mobsters.

One has ghosts.

Two are set in universities.

Two have groundhogs.

Four have Bill Murray.

All of them are classic comedies.

Most importantly: they are just some of the movies that owe a writing credit to the great Harold Ramis.

harold ramis

Rest In Peace Dr. Egon Spengler.

A Bird in the Hand?

mountain bluebird

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

The meaning of the aforementioned phrase is that it’s better to have a small amount of a certain thing than to have a large amount of an uncertain thing.

What a load of twaddle; it’s way better to have two birds in the bush than a bird in your hand.

Do you know what birds do in your hand?

They crap in your hand–that’s what they do. They crap that gooey, white, disgusting feces that looks like marshmallow, but most certainly does not taste like marshmallow.

In fact, if I had a bird in my hand, I would put it in a bush.

Birds can crap in a bush all day long–it’s doesn’t matter because it’s not getting on your hand, running down your arm, and getting all over your shirt.

People tend to think less of you when walk around with a soiled shirt.

“Dude, why are you walking around with marshmallow on your shirt?” People will say to you.

“It’s not marshmallow,” you respond, “it’s bird crap.”

“That is considerably worse,” they reply, being all judgy. “How on Earth did you come to be covered in bird crap?”

“I was holding a bird in my hand and it just started crapping all over the place,” you attempt to explain.

“That’s stupid,” they inform you. “You should’ve put that bird into a bush, like a sensible person.”

If that’s not bad enough, birds are also riddled with disease and parasites. It was called the Avian Flu, not the puppy dog flu.

I would even go as far as to state that your hand is one of the worst places to have a bird.

I would prefer a bush full of birds over a single disease riddled, parasite infested, crapping, death bird, in my hand.

What a stupid saying.

bird in a bush
The proper place for a bird to crap.

A Stone’s Throw

stone for throwing

A thing that is close is sometimes said to be a stone’s throw away.

Example: Mary Jo’s house is just a stone’s throw away.

Why are you throwing stones at Mary Jo’s house? Mary Jo is unpleasant to deal with on her best days and can be downright villainous when she’s in a bad mood.

Do you remember that time the paperboy missed her porch and it landed in her hydrangea bush? He still can’t talk about it without weeping uncontrollably.

And now you’re pelting her house with stones–what the hell are you thinking?

Can you imagine what would happen if you were to break one of Mary Jo’s bay windows? You might survive the aftermath, but I am fairly certain your testicles wouldn’t.

Besides, it seems wildly arbitrary to determine distance by how far you can hurl a stone.

Is it a small stone or a large stone you’re throwing?

I would think it also greatly depend on who is doing the throwing. I’m sure Roger Clemens can throw a stone a great deal farther than you can–you’re basically a tiny weed of a man. (Even more so since you broke Mary Jo’s bay window.)

You shouldn’t be throwing stones around all willy-nilly anyway. Have you ever accidently hit someone in the side of the face with a stone? They get mad.

Or try explaining to your neighbor that you were just trying to determine if his new truck was parked a stone’s throw away from your house after you’ve put a huge dent in it. He will be less than understanding. “You’re just lucky I’m not Mary Jo,” he’ll growl angrily.

Just look at a thing and estimate in your head how far away that thing is–you’re an adult, you can do that.

But don’t spend too much time looking at Mary Jo’s house: she gets suspicious.

broken bay window
Mary Jo is going to be so pissed off.

Don’t Look in the Horse’s Mouth

It’s often said you should never look a gift horse in the mouth.

I’m going to take it a step further: you shouldn’t look any horse in the mouth; horse mouths are gross.

Horse mouths are full of big ugly horse teeth, a bulbous ungainly horse tongue, and a whole wad of horse spit. It’s almost impossible for horses to properly floss because they have hooves and not opposable thumbs, so there’s all kinds of chewed up bits of crap in there.

It’s not a coincidence no language has coined the phrase: as lovely as a horse’s mouth.

I have recently read that since horses don’t have hands, they like to explore things with their mouths. You have no idea where that horse’s mouth has been. Just stop and think about all of the places you’ve put your hands. Disturbing, isn’t it?

It’s supposed to be a good thing when something comes straight from the horse’s mouth, but anything that has come straight form a horse’s mouth is going to be sticky and gross.

And sometimes horses bite.

Do you know a really good way to not be bitten by a horse?

Stop looking in its mouth!

When you think about it–it’s just rude. If somebody just sauntered up to you and started poking around on the inside of your mouth, you’d probably bite them too.

I know the point of the phrase is to not be critical of a gift, but if someone gives you a gift and it’s a horse’s mouth, go ahead and be critical.

What kind of a friend gives a gift that looks like this:

ugly horse's mouth

Post Navigation

%d bloggers like this: