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Archive for the tag “sayings”

People and Glass Houses

glass houseYou’ve heard the saying that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Why would you live in a glass house to begin with? It seems to me if you live in a glass house your decision-making capabilities have already been compromised.

Do you know how hard it is to insure a house that’s made of glass? Of course you don’t–you’re not foolish to live in a glass house.

I’ll tell you: It’s ridiculously hard to insure a house that’s made of glass; all it takes is one snot-nosed neighbor kid with a slingshot to cause catastrophic damage.

And you can find stones anywhere; they’re literally just lying around

And forget about throwing stones, if you live in a glass house you shouldn’t be engaging in any activity of questionable behavior; everyone can see what you’re doing.

Those slack-jawed neighbors living across the street, sitting on their front porch all day, smoking cigarettes and gaping vacuously in your direction, already seem to know everything about you. Just imagine if you lived in a glass house.

What kind of weird and disgusting behavior do you think those people have going on in their house? You don’t know because they don’t live in a glass house.

What a stupid saying.

glass houses

My apologies to anyone who came to this post searching for information about the Billy Joel album Glass Houses. To everyone else: I just apologize in general.

Keep Your Worm, I’m Sleeping in

I have often heard that the early bird gets the worm.

Well, that is hardly incentive for dragging yourself out of bed in the morning.

Do you know what the early bird does with the worm?

The early bird eats the worm!


Do you know what worm tastes like? It tastes like worm.

It’s not a coincidence that it’s difficult finding anything in your local supermarket that’s worm flavored. Even in the organic section, things that taste like worm aren’t labeled as such.

Tastes just like real worm, is not a brag often used.

I won’t get up a minute early for frozen waffles; I’m certainly not getting my butt out of bed for a wriggling, slimy, invertebrate, that you’ve just pulled from a manure pile.

I might get up early to avoid eating a worm, but even that’s iffy.

Getting up early in the morning sucks.

For all of those people who walk around early in the morning all chipper and full of enthusiasm: everybody hates you.

When someone greets you in the morning with an ebullient, isn’t it a wonderful day to be here at work at 7:00 am on this beautiful Monday morning, it’s legal to stab them in the face with a plastic fork.

If it’s a Saturday morning and you’re at work: you can use a real fork.

Truthfully, it’s not legal to stab a person in the face with any kind of fork, but if my ballot initiative passes, it will be.

So, you can keep your worm, I’m sleeping in.

Careful, I have a fork.

A Bird in the Hand?

mountain bluebird

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

The meaning of the aforementioned phrase is that it’s better to have a small amount of a certain thing than to have a large amount of an uncertain thing.

What a load of twaddle; it’s way better to have two birds in the bush than a bird in your hand.

Do you know what birds do in your hand?

They crap in your hand–that’s what they do. They crap that gooey, white, disgusting feces that looks like marshmallow, but most certainly does not taste like marshmallow.

In fact, if I had a bird in my hand, I would put it in a bush.

Birds can crap in a bush all day long–it’s doesn’t matter because it’s not getting on your hand, running down your arm, and getting all over your shirt.

People tend to think less of you when walk around with a soiled shirt.

“Dude, why are you walking around with marshmallow on your shirt?” People will say to you.

“It’s not marshmallow,” you respond, “it’s bird crap.”

“That is considerably worse,” they reply, being all judgy. “How on Earth did you come to be covered in bird crap?”

“I was holding a bird in my hand and it just started crapping all over the place,” you attempt to explain.

“That’s stupid,” they inform you. “You should’ve put that bird into a bush, like a sensible person.”

If that’s not bad enough, birds are also riddled with disease and parasites. It was called the Avian Flu, not the puppy dog flu.

I would even go as far as to state that your hand is one of the worst places to have a bird.

I would prefer a bush full of birds over a single disease riddled, parasite infested, crapping, death bird, in my hand.

What a stupid saying.

bird in a bush
The proper place for a bird to crap.

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