idiotpruf

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Archive for the tag “Bad Phrases”

A Stone’s Throw

stone for throwing

A thing that is close is sometimes said to be a stone’s throw away.

Example: Mary Jo’s house is just a stone’s throw away.

Why are you throwing stones at Mary Jo’s house? Mary Jo is unpleasant to deal with on her best days and can be downright villainous when she’s in a bad mood.

Do you remember that time the paperboy missed her porch and it landed in her hydrangea bush? He still can’t talk about it without weeping uncontrollably.

And now you’re pelting her house with stones–what the hell are you thinking?

Can you imagine what would happen if you were to break one of Mary Jo’s bay windows? You might survive the aftermath, but I am fairly certain your testicles wouldn’t.

Besides, it seems wildly arbitrary to determine distance by how far you can hurl a stone.

Is it a small stone or a large stone you’re throwing?

I would think it also greatly depend on who is doing the throwing. I’m sure Roger Clemens can throw a stone a great deal farther than you can–you’re basically a tiny weed of a man. (Even more so since you broke Mary Jo’s bay window.)

You shouldn’t be throwing stones around all willy-nilly anyway. Have you ever accidently hit someone in the side of the face with a stone? They get mad.

Or try explaining to your neighbor that you were just trying to determine if his new truck was parked a stone’s throw away from your house after you’ve put a huge dent in it. He will be less than understanding. “You’re just lucky I’m not Mary Jo,” he’ll growl angrily.

Just look at a thing and estimate in your head how far away that thing is–you’re an adult, you can do that.

But don’t spend too much time looking at Mary Jo’s house: she gets suspicious.

broken bay window
Mary Jo is going to be so pissed off.

Don’t Look in the Horse’s Mouth

It’s often said you should never look a gift horse in the mouth.

I’m going to take it a step further: you shouldn’t look any horse in the mouth; horse mouths are gross.

Horse mouths are full of big ugly horse teeth, a bulbous ungainly horse tongue, and a whole wad of horse spit. It’s almost impossible for horses to properly floss because they have hooves and not opposable thumbs, so there’s all kinds of chewed up bits of crap in there.

It’s not a coincidence no language has coined the phrase: as lovely as a horse’s mouth.

I have recently read that since horses don’t have hands, they like to explore things with their mouths. You have no idea where that horse’s mouth has been. Just stop and think about all of the places you’ve put your hands. Disturbing, isn’t it?

It’s supposed to be a good thing when something comes straight from the horse’s mouth, but anything that has come straight form a horse’s mouth is going to be sticky and gross.

And sometimes horses bite.

Do you know a really good way to not be bitten by a horse?

Stop looking in its mouth!

When you think about it–it’s just rude. If somebody just sauntered up to you and started poking around on the inside of your mouth, you’d probably bite them too.

I know the point of the phrase is to not be critical of a gift, but if someone gives you a gift and it’s a horse’s mouth, go ahead and be critical.

What kind of a friend gives a gift that looks like this:

ugly horse's mouth

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