idiotpruf

It’s Just Bad Advice

I’ve seen this quote floating around recently:

My goal in 2022 is to be my best self and my own personal hero.

I have just one quick question: to whom have you been talking and what horrible lies have they been telling you.

Do you remember that time someone told you to “just be yourself” when you when on that first date?

I’m not sure if you remember how badly that went. If you don’t we can reference the police report. My favorite part is when you and your date were taken hostage by the mime.

I know you like to tell people you gave that girl the most memorable night of her life. Normally the only things you give the girls you date are crippling self-doubt and genital chiggers.

Being memorable isn’t always a good thing. Survivors of the Hindenburg would often describe escaping that harrowing inferno as the most memorable night of their life. And those people were never held against their will in a Taco Hut by a man wearing white face paint and a beret. He didn’t even a real gun, he was just miming it.

You may be the only person in history to be screamed at by a mime. (It is amazing how fast a mime will break character once you’ve peed on the back of his leg.)

My point is: your goal shouldn’t be to be your best self, your goal should be to be someone entirely different. Someone radically, unmistakably different than yourself.

As far as you being your own personal hero; there aren’t enough adjectives in the English language to express just how bad of an idea that is. I’m trying to envision the type of person who would adopt you as a personal hero. I picture one of those weirdos who writes fan letters to a serial killer who’s in prison.

If your goal for 2022 is to improve yourself, try making it through the year without being arrested for peeing on a mime, or on the back of a police car, or on the back of a policeman.

In fact, if you can make it through the year without being arrested for public urination of any kind, we’ll call that a win.

I know it’s a tall order, but I’m not completely certain you can’t do it.

Good luck.