idiotpruf

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24 May 2020
37 Comments

Nutella or Montague: What’s in a Name?

nutella

A delicious snack, but a terrible name for a French child.

According to Ole Bill Shakespeare what you call a thing doesn’t alter its nature; “that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” and all that.

Note: not to give anything away, but regardless of the lovely sentiment, things didn’t end well for Juliet.

It seems a court in Northern France disagrees with the Bard of Avon, and has taken a tough stance toward families who give their children odd names.

When one couple in Valenciennes tried to call their child Nutella, the shocked registrar immediately informed the local prosecutor, who took the case to court in the northern city. (But not before first making himself a quick snack, Nutella really is delicious.)

The judge argued that giving the child the name of a chocolate spread was against the girl’s interests as it might lead to mockery and unpleasant remarks. “Children can be horribly cruel to other children who happen to have odd names,” the Honorable Peanut Butter N. Jelly told the court as he wiped a tear of remembrance from his eye. “Besides, Nutella is clearly a boy’s name.”

The parents did not turn up at the hearing in November, and in their absence, the judge ruled that the girl’s name should be shortened from Nutella to Ella. Her full name is now a much more respectable Ella Phant Butt. “Let’s see school children just try to make fun of that,” the court said.

The same court in Valenciennes made similar arguments in January this year before overturning the decision of another couple to name their child Fraise, the French word for strawberry.

The judge said that in particular, the girl might face derision from people using the uncouth expression “ramène ta fraise” – a slang saying that translates as “get your ass over here.”

The parents opted instead for Fraisine, an elegant name popular in the 19th century that roughly translates as the much more couth saying, “get your non-strawberry ass over here.”

“French parents can choose whatever name they want for their offspring,” a registrar said, “but we will occasionally seek to ban or change a moniker that might be deemed against the child’s interests, or if we’re bored, or if someone’s just kind of being a jerkface.”

“I don’t think it’s very funny,” said known jerkface Jacques Faucheux, father of recently court renamed Son-Of-Flaccid-Penis Faucheux.

A family was told in 2009 that they could not name their child after the French cartoon character Titeuf.

titeuf

French cartoon character Titeuf–forget the name, I want my children to have that hairstyle.

Note: I’ve never been more glad to live in the United States; I fully plan to name my first child Magilla Gorilla, and I don’t want the courts messing around with my daughter’s name.

Magilla

The name Magilla Gorilla just oozes class.

But the French courts don’t reserve this right for just human names. A dog owner in eastern France has been forced to change the names of his dogs, Itler and Iva, because they clearly “make people think of Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun.”

The unnamed owner argued that the names, Itler and Iva, had nothing to do with Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun. He grudgingly changed his dogs’ names to Iliso and Isio 4, but admitted he probably shouldn’t have shaved the swastikas into their fur.

And finally, in France, you cannot call a pig Napoleon, due to a law aimed at preserving the image of the Emperor which remains on the statute books.

For shame, George Orwell. For shame.

Animal Farm

Napoleon from George Orwell’s Animal Farm. For shame, George Orwell.

 Addendum:

Jacques Faucheux has petitioned the court to have his son’s name (Son-Of-Flaccid-Penis Faucheux) changed. And he was a real prick about it.

The court granted his petition, and changed his son’s name to My-Fathers-A-Prick Faucheux.

Another petition is pending.

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37 thoughts on “Nutella or Montague: What’s in a Name?”

  1. actualconversationswithmyhusband on said:

    True story: my stepmother went to school with a boy named Harold Leggs. His parents were assholes. They named their daughter Peggy and insisted on calling them Harry and Peg.

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  2. Pingback: pauseRReport March 2015: Today, while the blossoms… | thepauser

  3. Ladybuggz on said:

    how about a name like a baseball player Coco Crisp! or this name Piolet Inspektor?(some actors kid)?
    Stick that in your Honey Combs !!

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  4. longchaps2 on said:

    Clearly a rose would smell as sweet by any other name, but the name “Butt”? Uhhh.. not so sweet, lol. Your daughter is going to LOVE that name by the way.
    Anything with gorilla in it has my vote. Good call. Yep.

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    • idiotprufs on said:

      What if a rose was called a rancid-festering-stench-weed?

      Liked by 1 person

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      • longchaps2 on said:

        Okay, maybe a rose doesn’t smell as sweet by any other name. However I still stand behind my claim against Butt. Now my Danish family they really know how to name a kid. They’ve got names like Ib, which does not stand for irritable bowel in case you’re wondering, but is pronounced Eeeep. And then the old standby Jorgen (pronounced yearn) and extremely close to urine. Yeah, awesome. I know.

        Liked by 1 person

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  5. Blogdramedy on said:

    When you change your name, or have it changed for you, isn’t that what’s known as a nom de poop?

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  6. List of X on said:

    I think the parents could have named her N. Ella, where N. stands for “Nut”. That way, every is happy. Except for the daughter, possibly, but she can always take revenge by making up a crazy name for her kids.

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  7. Diane Henders on said:

    Perhaps Jacques Faucheux should engage a different lawyer. In an independent poll, most guys recommended Jacques Miauf.

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  8. hairballexpress on said:

    MWAHAHAHA 😹 OH my FLEAS! You made the human laugh so hard she just about choked in her spinach salad!!😹(best entertainment I’ve had fur weeks)! Mol!!!

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  9. koehlerjoni on said:

    I think the French are onto something. If we could make parents refrain from naming their children Shithead (pronounced Shi-todd) and Abcdee (thank God the parents couldn’t remember the rest of the alphabet), then we might be able to achieve world peace. Or at least a moratorium on the Kardashians.

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  10. franhunne4u on said:

    Sometimes I think people do really hate their children, but as they cannot admit that they have found a more subtle way of showing that – by naming them.

    Liked by 1 person

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  11. Amy Reese on said:

    My sister works as a school psychologist and hears all sorts of names. One was Pajamas, pronounced slightly different from the normal way (and the sound of the second a would be short and not long). Anyway, I suppose this one isn’t too bad if she can shorten it to PJ. I guess that isn’t too terrible! But really?

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  12. Carrie Rubin on said:

    Great read! I loved the part about the Honorable Peanut Butter N. Jelly.

    I wonder what that French judge would think about the name Apple. Perhaps he’d want a word with Ms. Paltrow. Or how about the woman who named her daughter ‘Placenta’ because she liked the way it sounded? I’m sure that wouldn’t set the girl up for teasing at all…

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  13. FitsofWit on said:

    My friend works at a preschool and always tells me about the crazy names the kids have. The best I’ve heard were a set of twins called Orangejello and Grapejello because their mother loved eating jello when she was pregnant.

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