Barrel Shopping for Niagara Falls
A barrel like this would be great…but I prefer something in color.
Now that I’ve made the decision to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, there are few slight logistical wrinkles that need to be ironed out.
First and foremost: I need a barrel. I have several vital requirements for the barrel I choose for my journey over the falls:
- It must be watertight enough to endure the 681,750 gallons of water that travel over the falls per second, without filling with water and killing me horribly.
- It has to be sturdy enough to endure the 2,509 tons of force created by the 681,750 gallons of water that travel over the falls without losing structural integrity and killing me horribly.
- It must be able to withstand the 167 foot drop without bursting on impact and killing me horribly.
- It must be spacious enough for me to comfortably fit into. (I don’t like to be cramped almost as much as I don’t like to be killed horribly.)
- It must fit onto the top of a Mercury Marquis. (I have bungee cords.)
My search for a suitable barrel has been less than fruitful.
It’s startling just how unhelpful the employees of Home Depot are when comes to barrel shopping.
You wouldn’t believe the slack-jawed looks I get when I ask them where they keep their barrels for going over waterfalls–they gape at me like I’m a moron.
The people at Ace Hardware are even less helpful. Their little jingle: “Ace is the place with the helpful hardware folks” is a blatant and disgusting lie. It should be: “Ace is the place where smug judgmental pricks named Rob question your mental stability.”
I went to a web site of the deceivingly named Crate & Barrel–completely useless unless you plan to go over Niagara Falls on an overpriced chaise lounge.
(I did however find a delightful celosia black hand-knotted area rug.)
It appears in order to find a suitable barrel for going over Niagara Falls, I’m required to have one custom made.
Going over Niagara Falls in a barrel is turning out to be more difficult than I had imagined, but I will soldier on.
What a great barrel; I just have to empty it of the Jack Daniels inside–it’s a plan!
Did you check with a distillery?
LikeLike
Are you kidding? Massive alcohol consumption is the base of this entire plan.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That explains a lot.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m surprised you don’t need the barrel to have WiFi. How are you going to keep yourself entertained through the trip?
I mean, yeah, it should take about 10 seconds, but still…
LikeLike
Cheating death is its own entertainment.
LikeLike
Don’t forget requirement #6: Must have enough oxygen to last for the entire event. Allow extra oxygen for screaming.
LikeLike
I’m amphibious.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Very handy for being riding barrels over waterfalls.
LikeLike
I can also lay my own eggs.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re sounding more and more like a platypus. Ha ha!
LikeLike
My duckbill gives me away.
LikeLiked by 1 person
And the little fedora.
LikeLike
Little Fedora is my mob name.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That explains why I saw it spray-painted all over town. Your tagging team is top notch!
LikeLike
I get them through a temp service.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Have you considered a non-traditional barrel? They look sort of like a submarine…
LikeLike
That’s seems too rational to be something I would consider.
LikeLiked by 1 person