Barrel Shopping for Niagara Falls
A barrel like this would be great…but I prefer something in color.
Now that I’ve made the decision to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, there are few slight logistical wrinkles that need to be ironed out.
First and foremost: I need a barrel. I have several vital requirements for the barrel I choose for my journey over the falls:
- It must be watertight enough to endure the 681,750 gallons of water that travel over the falls per second, without filling with water and killing me horribly.
- It has to be sturdy enough to endure the 2,509 tons of force created by the 681,750 gallons of water that travel over the falls without losing structural integrity and killing me horribly.
- It must be able to withstand the 167 foot drop without bursting on impact and killing me horribly.
- It must be spacious enough for me to comfortably fit into. (I don’t like to be cramped almost as much as I don’t like to be killed horribly.)
- It must fit onto the top of a Mercury Marquis. (I have bungee cords.)
My search for a suitable barrel has been less than fruitful.
It’s startling just how unhelpful the employees of Home Depot are when comes to barrel shopping.
You wouldn’t believe the slack-jawed looks I get when I ask them where they keep their barrels for going over waterfalls–they gape at me like I’m a moron.
The people at Ace Hardware are even less helpful. Their little jingle: “Ace is the place with the helpful hardware folks” is a blatant and disgusting lie. It should be: “Ace is the place where smug judgmental pricks named Rob question your mental stability.”
I went to a web site of the deceivingly named Crate & Barrel–completely useless unless you plan to go over Niagara Falls on an overpriced chaise lounge.
(I did however find a delightful celosia black hand-knotted area rug.)
It appears in order to find a suitable barrel for going over Niagara Falls, I’m required to have one custom made.
Going over Niagara Falls in a barrel is turning out to be more difficult than I had imagined, but I will soldier on.
What a great barrel; I just have to empty it of the Jack Daniels inside–it’s a plan!
idiotpruf 
Did you check with a distillery?
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Are you kidding? Massive alcohol consumption is the base of this entire plan.
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That explains a lot.
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I’m surprised you don’t need the barrel to have WiFi. How are you going to keep yourself entertained through the trip?
I mean, yeah, it should take about 10 seconds, but still…
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Cheating death is its own entertainment.
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Don’t forget requirement #6: Must have enough oxygen to last for the entire event. Allow extra oxygen for screaming.
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I’m amphibious.
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Very handy for being riding barrels over waterfalls.
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I can also lay my own eggs.
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You’re sounding more and more like a platypus. Ha ha!
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My duckbill gives me away.
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And the little fedora.
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Little Fedora is my mob name.
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That explains why I saw it spray-painted all over town. Your tagging team is top notch!
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I get them through a temp service.
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Have you considered a non-traditional barrel? They look sort of like a submarine…
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That’s seems too rational to be something I would consider.
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