Just a Few idiotprufs
Wile E. Coyote, idiotprufs legend.
Idiot: a dolt, a dullard, a mentally deficient person, the guy who drives down the road with his seatbelt hanging from the door making sparks on the road.
idiotpruf: Any lesson learned as the direct result of an overt act of idiocy, or the observation of an overt act of idiocy. An act that proves that you are in fact an idiot.
Example: If you don’t want to be mocked by other motorist; don’t drive down the road with your seatbelt hanging from the door making sparks on the road.
I’ve been compiling a list of idiotprufs based on my own acts of idiocy, from observing the acts of idiocy of others, and from stories I’ve been told.
Just a Few idiotprufs
- Regardless of how far your garden hose sprays; you’re still too close to the bees nest.
- Being asked,”and what did we learn today,” as bee stingers are being pulled from your face, is the epitome of adding insult to injury.
- Don’t try to remove a hornet’s nest from your garage by burning it out; you will wind up with half a garage, and a hornet’s nest.
- You never want to find out the quantifying measure for the phrase, mad as a hornet.
- Firemen like to say snide things as they hose down the side of your garage.
- Regardless of how sturdy an umbrella seems, it is not an adequate substitute for a parachute.
- You can be lying in a crumpled mass in the dirt, broken bones (some of them relatively important) jutting through your skin, and the first thing an adult will think to say is “what in the world did you think would happen if you jumped off the roof?”
- Never try to pound a nail into something above your head using the dull side of a hatchet; misusing a hatchet in this way might cause its head to pop off.
- A hatchet head only has to fall a foot or two to cause a considerable amount of damage to a human skull.
- Head wounds bleed a lot.
- If you don’t want to be bitten by the big brown snake; don’t poke at it with a stick.
- Snake bites bleed a lot.
- The average household vacuum cleaner is not designed to pick up paperclips; attempting to do so may cause the average household vacuum cleaner to explode and catch on fire.
- A burning vacuum cleaner may also ignite the carpet.
- A burning carpet will set off every smoke alarm in the house.
- Smoke alarms are loud.
- Melting Play-Doh in a frying pan seems like a brilliant scientific experiment to a child.
- That child’s mother: not so much.
- Burning Play-Doh will set off a smoke alarm.
- Smoke alarms are loud.
- One errant sock in the laundry can turn an entire load of whites into a load of pinks.
- “Hey, you know that pink sweatshirt you love so much?” is not a good way to tell your roommate that you’ve turned the laundry pink.
- A healthy dose of bleach will turn anything white.
- A healthy dose of bleach will also give you a pile of really white rags.
- “Hey, you know that really white sweatshirt full of holes you love so much?” is not a good way to tell your roommate that you’ve used too much bleach on the laundry.
- A car that has been run out of motor oil, is less of automobile, and more of giant metal traffic clogger.
- Asking your girlfriend, whose car has been run out of motor oil, if she knows why it’s called a dipstick, is a really bad idea.
- When your girlfriend asks, “how stupid do you think I am?” she is not looking for a quantifying answer.
- The phrase “some day we’ll look back at this and laugh” doesn’t always apply.
Seriously, I literally have hundreds of these.
I’m finding that everybody has some, do you?
Addendum
The actual word idiot-proof is a misnomer; there is nothing a true idiot can’t screw-up when given the chance.
Exactly.
idiotpruf 
“Never try to pound a nail into something above your head using the dull side of a hatchet” I laughed out loud…in a cafe…a lot. Still getting weird looks.
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It happened to my uncle, and those of us who saw it, laughed out loud.
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Ah, the possibilities are endless…
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And most of those stem from your inability to read a sign properly.
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True, but I like to think I derive more entertainment from signs than a normal person. 😉
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“That which does not kill me only makes me stronger” is much more false than true.
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It is false, but only if don’t consider brain damage to make you stronger. Among my aunts and uncles, some brain damage seems to be a requirement.
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You can be lying in a crumpled mass in the dirt, broken bones (some of them relatively important) jutting through your skin, and the second thing an adult will think to say is “Does it hurt a lot?”
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I don’t know, that’s a question that shows a smidgen of actual concern.
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How about “I’ve seen people fall off roofs who look much worse than you do.”
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That could work.
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I’m tempted to make my own “kat vs Creature” idiot pruf list- I have an endless supply thanks to the half pint kat torture chamber…😾
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I say do it; the world needs more Kat vs. creature lists.
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I just may do that- if I can avoid darting under the bed long enough!😾
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Honestly, for me this just raises more questions like, can you put out a garage fire with a garden hose? Is vacuum cleaner designed to swallow bees and hornets? Can enough bleach turn a big brown snake white? Do you know where you could stick your dipstick? Does hatchet head dropped two feet still damage human skull if it’s falling attached to an umbrella?
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The answer is yes.
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Thank you. You may have saved me a lot of painful experiences.
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But painful experiences make great posts.
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The list is long enough that it ought to be numbered. It’s long. And by long, I mean the count is large. And by large, I mean a high cardinal number.
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Is a Count a higher rank than a Cardinal, and how do they compare to the Pope?
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Pope is one above Cardinal, and Count sits in Noble rank. Don’t know how Count intersects, other than being large (fat) enough to break boundary in diagram.
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Those smoke alarms piss me off! They go off for no reason at all really. It’s just a little smoke, c’mon. These are great!
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Where there are inquisitive minds, there’s bound to be a little smoke.
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I see your problem, you have too many smoke alarms in your life. Many great inventions have been announced by smoke alarm fanfares.
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Exactly. If it weren’t for the alarms nobody would even notice the smoke.
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I suppose breaking your nose when opening the fridge door would land someone on that list, huh? But no, that didn’t happen to me. Absolutely not…
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Breaking your nose opening the refrigerator door (which you haven’t done) is almost as good as dancing naked in front of Amish guys.
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Haha, good one! And good memory. Luckily I’ve never done that either…
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Why do I get the feeling the entire Fire Department is on a first name basis with you, lol.
Oh, I can hold up my end of an idiotpruf list. Most involving being my husbands construction helper. If you want to describe it as helping. Mostly he doesn’t.
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Is being called dumbass considered a first name basis.
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