idiotpruf

Why You Shouldn’t Show Me Pictures of Your Grandchild

Happy Photo Purveyor: would you like to see photos of my grandchild?

Me: not especially.

Happy Photo Purveyor: but she’s just so precious.

Me: believe me, your voluminous and unremitting descriptions of her are all I really need.

Happy Photo Purveyor: you absolutely have to see them.

Me: I’m certain that’s not the case.

Happy Photo Purveyor: you’ll regret it if you don’t.

Me: I’m feeling the regret already.

Happy Photo Purveyor: let me get my phone out.

Me: so this is happening.

Fifty photos later.

Happy Photo Purveyor: if liked those, I’ve got hundreds more.

Me: great! Let me just remove this ice pick I’ve jammed into my eye.

Happy Photo Purveyor: her name is Liz; can you guess what that’s short for?

Me: I don’t know.

Happy Photo Purveyor: just guess.

Me: I don’t want to guess.

Happy Photo Purveyor: just guess–it’s obvious.

Me: It’s obvious? Is it short for Lizard.

Several moments of uncomfortable silence.

Not As Happy Photo Purveyor: why would her name be Lizard.

Me: she looks a bit like a lizard.

Even more uncomfortable silence.

Unhappy Photo Purveyor: my granddaughter looks nothing like a lizard.

Me: not all of her–just her face.

Still Unhappy Photo Purveyor: people say she takes after me!

Me: I wasn’t going to bring that up…but yes she does.

Angry Photo Purveyor: my granddaughter looks nothing like a lizard!

Me: maybe I just think that because of her tail.

Angrier Photo Purveyor: what makes you think my granddaughter has a tail?

Me: because most lizards have tails.

Apoplectic Photo Purveyor: I’m never showing you another photo again!

Apoplectic Photo Purveyor storming off in a huff.

Me: mission accomplished.

And that’s why you should never show me photos of your grandchild.

This is Liz. Guess what Liz is short for.