Wouldn’t it be Easier?
Wouldn’t the world be a better, more navigable place, if people’s names reflected their personality traits and true characters?
Imagine if the highway patrolman could read the name on the driver’s license of that attractive young woman who’s trying to flirt her way out of the ticket, and say, “I’d like to let you go without a citation Miss…Manipulative Little Tramp, but I don’t think I can do that today.”
If Phil, that wonderful guy you just met, who you are convinced will be the perfect husband, had the full name of Philandering Piece Of Crap, wouldn’t heartache be avoided?
If that cute girl who moved into your apartment building had been named Crazy Potential Stalker, none of those restraining orders would have been necessary, and that deadbolt wouldn’t have had to be replaced. (She was 110 pounds of muscle and crazy.)
If Jeffrey Dahmer had been named more appropriately, perhaps fewer young men would’ve fallen prey to his wiles. People tend to not let their guard down around you when your name is Homicidal Flesh-Eating Weirdo.
If some of my aunts bore names like Insidious Hag, Conniving Bridge Troll, or anything with the words wicked or odiferous in them, perhaps I would have made fewer snarky comments about their chunky thighs or their dull-witted offspring…probably not, but perhaps.
Note: it has been brought to my attention that my uncle, Two-Faced Lying Rat-Bastard, is furious with some of the things I have written in this blog. In particular, he is unhappy with my implications that some of my aunts are witches or monsters. As an olive branch, from this point forward, I will no longer imply that some of my aunts are witches or monsters; I will use only declarative statements. I’m happy we could work this out.
If Adolph Hitler had been called Genocidal Maniac, the world may have been slightly more wary during his ascent to power.
Ditto Mao Tse-tung.
Ditto Joseph Stalin.
Ditto Milton Obote.
Ditto Idi Amin.
It’s reported Idi Amin liked to be called:
His Excellency, President For Life Field Marshall Al HADJ Doctor Idi Amin DADA, VC, DSO, MC. Lord Of All The Beasts Of The Earth And Fishes Of The Sea And Conqueror Of The British Empire In Africa In General, And Uganda In Particular.
He should have been called Gigantic Arrogant Penis, or under my naming system: Piers Morgan.
A few examples of people renamed under my system:
- Justin Bieber: Annoying Little Prick.
- Taylor Swift: Annoying Chick.
- Miley Cyrus: Annoying Chick Who’s Frequently Naked.
- Kim Kardashian: Undeservedly Famous Chick Who’s Frequently Naked.
- Kayne West: Mr. Undeservedly Famous Chick Who’s Frequently Naked.
- North West: Little Girl Routinely Picked On In School Because Her Parents Are Idiots. (Mine is only slightly less ridiculous.)
- Charles Manson: Homicidal Nutbar.
- Ted Bundy: Charming Homicidal Nutbar.
- Piers Morgan: Piers Morgan.
- My aunt: Wart-Faced Witch. (See, declarative.)
Annoying Chick Who’s Frequently Naked in concert.
The list could go on and on, and it may in a future post.
Until next time,
Guy Who Gets Pepper-Sprayed Far Too Frequently For It To Be Reasonable.
idiotpruf 
My life has just flashed before my eyes and in just seconds I have renamed everyone in it. Hindsight is 20/20.
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My hindsight requires bifocals.
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Just move to a small town. No one needs name tags, cause they all knew what “sparky’s'” great grandfather was like. Up to seven generations.
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How do you know Sparky’s great grandmother?
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Brilliant! Your naming scheme would have saved me so much grief in my life.
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I’m full of great ideas.
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So… uh… tRump’s name would be Asshat Swampslug McPussygrabber???
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McPussygrabber was one of McDonalds’ less popular burgers.
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Really? Because I got one every time I ate out… but I was safe… I used a condiment. (Sorry)
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Hmm, I’m not sure what my ‘true’ name would be, but I’m pretty sure it would have ‘crazy’ in it somewhere.
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I’m sure it would be prominent.
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Pepper sprayed for being so “reasonable “?? I think your mistaken, you get pepper sprayed for being “Truthful!” lol…….Don’t worry, I get it a lot also!!!I’ve been called “A Bitch ” more often then not! People just can’t handle the truth! lol!!!
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That’s what Jack Nicholson tells me.
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As a Property Mgr this would be awesome. I could better differentiate Mr. Complete Financial Distaster from Mr. Most likely To Disassemble His Harley In The Living Room. It has great practical applications!
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Also be leery of Mr. Likes-To-Start-Fires.
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I was thinking I wish you knew me, so you could give me my proper name, and then I thought…No never mind.
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Indecisive Scaredy-Cat would be my choice.
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Spot on –
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Does it have to be descriptive, like ‘genocidal maniac?’ Or can it be something like Frank Sinatra: Guy who can sing and looks good but has zero morals and will screw you over in a heartbeat?
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In okay with any member of that rat pack.
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As always, delightful read.
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Thank you. Delightful is seldom a word used to describe this blog. Disturbing, weird, borderline criminal, but seldom delightful.
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Also, a Manipulative Little Tramp could turn into a Coffee-Addicted Soccer Mom, then into an Insidious Hag, with a possible few more name changes along the way. Can you imagine how much paperwork it would require to make all these changes?
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I know a guy down at the courthouse named Ill-Tempered Bitter Bureaucrat who’ll help me out with the paperwork.
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Hey, look who I bumped into… the man with no name at all… HA!
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Lucky him.
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HA!
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While this idea clearly demonstrates a level of brilliance rarely seen in the modern civilized world (because aceint people were WAY smarter than we are today), you’ve identified an obvious problem with your scheme…
Piers Morgan is already taken. So is Simon Cowell. You would have to start adding “II”, “III”, “IV”, etc. It’s my estimation that only a few short days after putting your plan into effect none of us would be able to do the Greek math. Kind of like the Superbowl. (The Greeks could, because they were WAY smarter than we are today.) Now only Greeks watch football.
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The Greeks and I will figure it out over some gyros while watching the Superbowl.
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This would really help weed out the weird Twitter followers too.
“Piers Morgan: Piers Morgan.”—Ha!
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Simon Cowell would have worked too.
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Oh my Flippin KATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Exactly.
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Hehehe!😸
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MWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😹
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That laugh seems a little sinister.
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MOL! 😸 Only a little? Dude! I’m losing my touch!
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