Mad Dog 20/20: The Greatest Invention Ever
When you’re having a reflective moment and you’re pondering the greatest invention in human history, what springs to mind?
Is it fire, the wheel, the combustion engine, that little plastic thing that keeps the top of your pizza from being smeared on the box–all very important.
Perhaps it’s the written word. (Although that’s certainly not reflected here.)
You probably think it’s an advancement in medicine or technology.
Wrong! The answer is Mad Dog 20/20.
I know what you’re thinking: why am I wasting precious moments of a finite lifetime reading a bunch of drivel written by a person who is clearly unstable and who probably spent far too much of his youth eating paste and crayons.
Wrong Again! I still eat paste and crayons.
I’m going to provide five specific reasons for my assertion that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.
It’s not just wine–it’s a flavored fortified wine.
Fortified wines have a higher alcohol content than regular sissy wines.
Anything with the word fort in it is inherently superior to anything without the word fort in it.
Fort Worth, Texas: thriving metropolis populated with the highest caliber of people.
Worth, Illinois: total shithole filled with mimes.
If you’re anything like me (my sympathies if you are) you are dazzled by things that are bright and shiny. Mad Dog 20/20 is available in a myriad of brightly colored flavors. There’s so many brilliant colors it’s dizzying. (And if you’re into to dizziness: consuming Mad Dog 20/20 can help you with that too.)
The medical applications of Mad Dog 20/20 are many.
- It’s practically a cure for not having liver disease.
- Too many pesky brain cells: Mad Dog 20/20 is the solution.
- It makes your vomit glow in the dark–how cool is that?
- It makes you vomit: vomiting cleanses the body and entertains your friends.
- It makes your urine glow in the dark. You’d be surprised how often that comes in handy.
- It’s a memory suppressor: even if you drink a bunch of Mad Dog 20/20, and you do something crazy and stupid, you won’t remember it. (However, the authorities may remind you of what you’ve done.)
Applications apart from drinking it.
- Self defense: it can be used to blind an attacker.
- As an adhesive: as one of the stickiest substances known to man, it can be used as a glue.
- Entomology: it can be used to attract bees, ants, or hobos.
- As a repellent: it repels wombats, musk oxen, and The French.
- Monetarily: it’s used as currency in the best federal prisons.
- Status: if you keep Mad Dog 20/20 on display in your home, people will know your classy.
Mad Dog 20/20 is produced in my hometown of Westfield, NY. It’s a wonderful small village in western New York that has produced many brilliant people…and me.
It’s surprising the word fort isn’t in the name of the village. Strictly speaking, somebody dropped the ball on that.
I think at this point you probably agree with me that Mad Dog 20/20 is the greatest invention of all time.
So drink up.
Addendum: my apologies to the citizens of Worth, Illinois, I’m sure you’re fine people.