Black Friday: You’re not Doing it Right
Black Friday: the day even genteel old ladies become MMA cage fighters.
Remember: if you have to commit a few misdemeanors and a stray felony or two in the act of acquiring Christmas gifts, it’s perfectly justifiable.
If you’re not engaging in activities that are at the very least, ethically and morally dubious, you’re heart just isn’t into it.
It’s called Black Friday for a reason. It’s not called Rosy Red Cheery Friday, you pansies.
If you’re not out there causing pain, you’re not doing right.
I have a few helpful tips for Black Friday:
- The first item in your shopping cart should be a meat tenderizer–you need quick access to a weapon that you can later claim to the authorities, was just an item on your shopping list.
- Beware of air flow before pepper-spraying a fellow shopper/combatant, you don’t want any of that stuff drifting into your own eyes–it really stings.
- When grappling with an elderly person over an item, don’t hold back just because they appear to be having a heart attack, in my experience they are faking it at least 38% of the time.
- Don’t be influenced just because a mother is with her child. That child is either a prop meant to endear sympathy, a diversion to distract you, or it’s an attack dog that she will sic on you the moment you get to close to an item she is after. (Little kids are vicious and they have really sharp teeth.)
- Bite wounds from small children should be attended to immediately–you have no idea what kind of diseases those filthy little potato-faced brats have.
- Finally, before wrapping a gift intended for a loved one, be sure to remove the price tag or any blood spatter that may be on the item. It’s just rude to give a gift with the price tag and or incriminating DNA still on it.
Remember: the important thing about the season is that you get what you want at the expense of your fellow man.
Final Note: make sure you keep the receipts; that gift you stabbed another human being in the face to get, will likely be returned.