Don’t Swing a Dead Weasel if You’re Not Going to Use It
Weasel / Weapon
It is not a coincidence that the English language has not popularized the phrase ‘as useful as a dead weasel.’
In fact, if you’re on your way to do something and you think to yourself, I could really use a dead weasel for this, you’re probably about to do something that falls somewhere between foolish and felony. How many times on Cops has the arresting officer commented, “this would have merely been foolish, but you were swinging a dead weasel.”
If you’re on your way to do anything and you spot a dead weasel and think, I can use that, you’re headed down a dangerous path.
Which brings me to the point of this post.
A man in Hoquiam, Washington confronted the current boyfriend of an ex-girlfriend.
Generally a bad idea.
He confronted him swinging a dead weasel.
Always a bad idea.
“Why do you have a dead weasel?” the boyfriend asked him.
“It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,” he replied.
(It’s a small distinction but an important one. Ex-boyfriends who display the proclivity to swing dead animals, tend to be very pedantic.)
He then punched the boyfriend in the nose and ran off. Begging the question: why in the world would you bother carrying a dead weasel to a confrontation if you’re not going to use it?
He was later tracked down and charged with assault and public stupidity.
When asked why he was carrying a dead weasel, he matter-of-factly replied, “what are you stupid, live weasels bite.”
In a weird twist, the authorities reported that it wasn’t a weasel or a marten, but a mink.
I don’t know if fur is murder, but it’s definitely felony assault.
The man was eventually acquitted. Evidently the prosecutors “failed to prove a link to the mink.” The prosecutors reportedly failed to do several other things that rhyme in a Seussian manner.
When asked if he had learned any valuable lessons, the man replied, “yeah, if you see something dead on the side of the road, leave it be.”
Perhaps if he had brought his girlfriend a mink when they were together, she wouldn’t have broken-up with him.
The mink had no comment.
I swear, I just wanted to make her a stoll.
idiotpruf 
What about dead opossums? We have lots of those around here
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Whatever you have available.
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Defense attorney to the judge:
He swung a weasel but not an easel;
It wasn’t a marten, for which we ask pardon.
Perhaps a mink we really do think.
If it was skunk, it would have stunk.
And I’m really glada it wasn’t a red panda.
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Had it been a ferret, your sentiment I’d parrot.
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I remember my Grandmother having a “Stoll” a butt ugly bulgy eyed dead fox! I hated that thing!
We had a weasel living under our house….it stunk but was neat looking in the winter when it turned white!
Brother worked at a Mink farm…mean little suckers! Seagulls would land on the top of the cages..and get their feet eaten off! All true! A woman of the world I am! lol..
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I’m guessing your grandmother didn’t work for PETA.
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No, no such thing back then…. lol
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Absolutely excellent
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The guy with the dead weasel did all the heavy lifting.
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I enjoyed reading this❤
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Who doesn’t enjoy a nice story about felony assault.
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I know I do
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