idiotpruf

The Junk Drawer

Everybody has one of the drawers in their home that is a repository for anything and everything:

• Assorted rubber-bands that are no longer stretchy.
• A flashlight with no batteries.
• Batteries.
• A roll of unused Mr. Yuk stickers.
• A scrap of paper with the number for the poison center hotline hastily scribbled on it.
• That menu from the China Jade restaurant that jams the drawer every time you try to open it.
• $2.79 in Canadian coins. (Canadians just call them coins.)
• That cool rock you found that is shaped just like a duck.
• Duct tape. (Not on a roll, just in a wad.)
• A box of 20 ultra petite condoms. (My junk drawer is not your junk drawer–don’t judge me.)
• The manual for the toaster oven you threw away four years ago after the toaster oven broke because you didn’t follow the instructions in the manual.
• The remains of the smoke alarm that malfunctioned, caught on fire, and nearly burned your house down.
• Irony.
• The beginning of really angry letter you were writing to the smoke alarm company, but never finished because your pen leaked ink all over it.
• A pen that writes, but leaks ink all over the place.
• An ink stain.
• An empty bottle of stain remover.
• An expired coupon for a bottle of stain remover.
• A pen that doesn’t write at all, but still leaks ink all over the place.
• A pencil with a broken tip.
• A broken pencil sharpener.
• 14 buttons of different size, color, and styles, none of which match any article of clothing in your household.
• A piece of metal with no discernible purpose.
• A piece of plastic with no discernible purpose.
• A remote control that doesn’t appear to control anything in your home.
• A mason jar lid to the mason jar you broke.
• A mason jar’s worth of loose nuts and bolts, none of which match.
• Five marbles. (I lost most of my marbles years ago.)
• A box cutter that no longer retracts, that you cut your hand on every time you look for something in the drawer.
• A box of Band-Aids, but with only the big weird shaped ones left.
• The bottle cap that was a winner for a twenty ounce bottle of Pepsi Free, which if you’re not mistaken was discontinued in the mid-eighties.
• A cassette tape cover to Cargo by Men at Work–you have no idea where the cassette is. (Also probably a casualty of the mid-eighties.)
• A self-help book about uncluttering your life…that you’ve never read.
• A bottle of Elmer’s glue that has completely solidified.
• A stray knob that you would have reattached if your bottle of Elmer’s glue hadn’t completely solidified.
• A partially used box of trick birthday candles that you haven’t used since they gave your aunt Gertrude an aneurysm.
• The Queen of England. (More Canadian money.)
• Half of a twenty dollar bill that you refuse to get rid of because the moment you do you’ll find the other half.
• Four incomplete decks of cards.
• Various unpaid parking tickets.
• A summons.
• Stamps of various values–thank you postal service.
• Wet-wipes: handy for wiping the pepper-spray from your eyes.
• A restraining order.
• AAA brochures.
• AA brochures.
• A bunch of useless and pointless lists.

It’s a bit cramped, but she’s in there.