The High School Guidance Counselor and Some Disturbing News
“I’ve been reviewing your records.”
Counselor: Well, it’s your senior year, and it’s about time that you started to think about your future, specifically in regard to a career. I’ve reviewed your transcript, gone over your aptitude test scores, and I have spoken with some of your teachers. I seem to be running into a bit of a problem.
You: What exactly is the problem?
Counselor: You’re qualified to do nothing and you’re irretrievably stupid.
You: That seems kind of harsh.
Counselor: I’m sorry. I suppose your entire life, your parents have told you that you’re smart and capable?
You: Of course they have.
Counselor: People lie don’t they? I have never encountered anyone so ill-equipped to enter the workforce in all my years of being a guidance counselor, and this school is full of stupid kids. Sometimes I think there’s lead in the drinking water.
You: You’re exaggerating, I can’t be that hopeless.
Counselor: Am I? In mathematical aptitude, you answered correctly only 25% of the time.
You: One out of three isn’t that bad.
Counselor: Exactly my point. In your English essay, you seem to have confused Angie Dickinson with Emily Dickinson.
You: No I didn’t.
Counselor: Let’s see what it was that you wrote? Here it is: Emily Dickinson was smoking hot in Big Bad Mama.
You: I don’t remember writing that.
Counselor: You have terrible memory skills.
You: That’s not fair.
Counselor: And a delusional perception of fairness.
You: But…I…
Counselor: You also have trouble completing a thought. Moving on to geography; you couldn’t find Chile on a map.
You: That can’t be that uncommon.
Counselor: It was a map of Chile.
You: I thought it meant the restaurant.
Counselor: You mean Chili’s, I doubt you could find your way through the children’s maze on their placemats.
You: Yes I can, I always use the green crayon.
Counselor: You also seem to have absolutely no grasp of economics or government.
You: I know a little about government.
Counselor: You listed the three branches of government as strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate.
You: Neapolitan government.
Counselor: You took a course on New York State history didn’t you?
You: Yes I did.
Counselor: Yes you did. You listed the state capital as Albania. You claimed that the Erie Canal was named thusly because it was “really spooky.” And you listed the first mayor of New York City as Babe Ruth.
You: It wasn’t Babe Ruth?
Counselor: No. It was Lou Gehrig.
You: Really?
Counselor: NO YOU MORON, it was Thomas Willett. This next one is especially perplexing: under state bird you put Bigfoot. I find that disturbing for at least fifteen different reasons. I’ve come up with four categories of jobs that I believe you could handle. They are as follows:
- Jobs requiring a shovel: digging ditches, digging graves, digging holes in general, and whomping rats.
- Jobs requiring a pitchfork: moving piles of hay, moving piles of straw, and joining angry mobs that are hunting rogue monsters.
- Jobs requiring a shovel and a pitchfork: moving horse manure, moving cow manure, moving goat manure, basically moving any type of manure.
Jersey Shore cast member. Sorry, that’s been canceled–you probably couldn’t find New Jersey on a map anyway.
You: I don’t know. I find that shovels and pitchforks are complicated and difficult to use, and sweating gives me a rash.
Counselor: There is one other job. Would you be willing to scale steep cliffs and harvest honey, while angry bees sting you repeatedly?
You: There would be no manure or feces involved?
Counselor: Not unless you’re horribly afraid of heights.
You: I’ll do it.
Counselor: Welcome to the world of Himalayan Bee Keeping.
You: Is it close to home?
Counselor: With your map skills it is.
Another guidance counseling success story.
idiotpruf 
idk – sound like you’d be perfect for politics – although the dislike of manure might be a problem
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I’d run for mayor, but apparently you have to be a drooling half-wit to hold that position.
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Oh Red, you American’s are a funny bunch! (some pretty stupid also)! We have a few stupid ones also…Justin Bieber, the Trailer Park Boys….and the guys in “Corner Gas” Oh, and I have to add my brother to that list! 🙂 Here’s one that I bet most wouldn’t get…Are there rivers that run South to North or only run down..from North to South??? lol…
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Of course our rivers run from North to South–this isn’t Australia.
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OK, now I’m not sure if your joking or not?? lol…
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I never joke about the land down under, mate.
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So you can’t send messages in a bottle to Canada but only to Mexico??? ha! So your tryng to tell me all the rivers in Australia run into the center of Australia? Their rivers run counter clockwise….opposite to ours ???….Oh Boy! are you that boy in the story?? lol…
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I am the boy in that story. How dare you mock my stupidity and general lack of knowledge.
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I loved this! The counselor was soo harsh but hilarious!
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Too harsh or just honest?
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I know I went to school with this kid!
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Did we go to school together?
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Retired teacher 33 years. I lived this. I taught in Miami. One teacher asked his 6 classes of ninth graders to name the body of water 6 miles east of the school. A few came close: “The city swimming pool.” Not one knew Atlantic Ocean. Not one.
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It’s funny because it’s true. Also, a little tragic.
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Props to the kid who remembered where the pool was!
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Esp shocking is that many of the teens and most all of their parents were from various Caribbean islands.
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You have to know what’s important.
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Ah my mistake red panda, no wonder I thought this was good stuff, I’m already following you 😂 keep it up the good work!
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It’s the blog so entertaining you can follow it twice.
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Exactly!! 😂
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This was good stuff! You’ve got my follow. Check out my comedy blog and give it a follow if you like it!
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