Just to Reiterate: Get the Hell Out of the Way
“Is she talking about her gout again? Kill me now.”
I know I’ve touched on the subject of checkout line etiquette on more than one occasion. And I know what you’re thinking:
why are you beating a dead horse?
It’s dead.
It’s been dead.
Just stop it.
You’re embarrassing yourself.
Would you beat Seabiscuit?
Seabiscuit’s a dead horse.
Seabiscuit was an underdog that overcame adversity.
Seabiscuit’s story was inspirational and heartwarming.
How dare you.
I’d wager that you didn’t even cry at the end of the Old Yeller.
Are you made of stone?
Old Yeller was a faithful and trusted companion that had to be put down because he contracted rabies protecting his master.
Monster.
Anyway, recent events have led me to believe that I need to revisit the subject of checkout line etiquette. First generally and then specifically.
Just a few things you shouldn’t do in a check-out line, generally:
- Haggle over the validity of a ten-cent coupon for meatless vegan sausage. I mean what’s the point, it’s just awful. Go put it back on the shelf and calmly leave the store.
- Suddenly realize, moments after the cashier has rung up your total, that you’ve forgotten something vital; something that you absolutely mustn’t leave the store without or your wife will give you that “how useless are you” speech. Retreat to the back of the store to retrieve the overlooked item. Take an eternity because you have trouble locating the item. Return fifteen minutes later with your item and an apologetic grin. (If the item you return with is meatless vegan sausage, you will be beaten sadistically.)
- Try to pay with a personal check if don’t have any identification. How long have you been alive on this planet?
- Try to pay with cash only to find you’re a little bit short. Then instead of putting something back (because everything you’re getting is absolutely vital, even the meatless vegan sausage), you rummage through all your jacket pockets to find that all you have are some loose Tic Tacs and an assortment of Canadian coins. (Obviously, if you’re in Canada this is not a problem; Tic Tacs are widely used as currency there.)
- Juggle running chain saws. There are a lot of people in close proximity.
- Lick the face of the person next to you and scream, “I have Ebola.”
- Get in the express line with a cart full of items.
- Get in the express line with a cart full of items. Then lick the face of the person next to you and scream, “I have Ebola.”
- Mime. (Miming should never be done anywhere for any reason.)
- Loudly sing Justin Bieber songs.
- Quietly sing Justin Bieber songs.
- Be Justin Bieber.
And now, something you shouldn’t do in a check-out line, specifically:
Don’t wait until you’ve been completely checked out, and all your items bagged, to start a personal conversation with the cashier.
- We don’t care that your gout has been acting up.
- We don’t care that your child’s soccer coach won’t put him in the game. Your kid sucks deal with it.
- We don’t care that your niece is in a loveless marriage. She shouldn’t have married her second cousin; we know it’s legal, but ick.
- We don’t care that your gynecologist was arrested. He should have never been in that opium den, to begin with. Do you really want a gynecologist who frequents opium dens?
- But mostly, we couldn’t give a rodent’s behind who you think should have been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. There was a brief fleeting moment when we cared, but it passed.
If you believe the people in your general sphere desperately need to know your opinion–you’re gravely mistaken.
Thank you.
Addendum:
If you’re upset because you’ve never seen Old Yeller and now I’ve ruined it for you, I have only one thing to say: Rosebud was a sled.
At least I didn’t reveal that Bruce Willis’ character in Sixth Sense was dead the entire time.
idiotpruf 
This one deserves a “Hahaha” 🙂 Reminded me of my blog Barbe’queued’
LikeLike
That could mean you’re in need of professional help.
LikeLike
I swear you’ve been in the same stores I frequent! Great post!
I do have one curious thing to report, though. After reading your post, I was moved to follow you. I was excited to see that you have 3,999 followers and I would be number 4000! I hit the following button and you still have 3, 999 followers. I’m obviously a figment of my own imagination.
LikeLike
Your mere presence instantly frightened someone away.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I do have that effect on people. 😉
LikeLike
We’ll form a support group.
LikeLiked by 1 person
People shouldn’t be having conversations in the grocery store, period. I don’t know what it is about the frozen foods aisles, but people who apparently haven’t seen or spoken to each other in years will park their carts in such a way as to block an entire aisle while they catch up on how that embarrassing crotch injury is healing, and I’m like, “I just want some goddamned jalapeno poppers, but y’all are ruining it.“
LikeLiked by 1 person
Are there crotch injuries that aren’t embarrassing?
LikeLike
He…he liked your illustration of do’s and don’t.
LikeLike
If my ballot initiative passed, these will become law.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Seriously !!
LikeLike
This blog is nothing if not serious.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I take your words seriously then 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
When did you stop beating live horses?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Since Mr. Ed called the authorities.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You forgot a few:
*Don’t bump or crowd the person in front of you.
* Watch your kids and BUY any candy they put in their mouths, even with the wrapper on.
* Put the divider behind your stuff if someone’s behind you.
* Don’t roll your eyes and complain like you could manage the place better; just don’t whine.
* Watch your language. Everyone doesn’t like the same things.
* Do not YELL at your children, especially, “You’ve been throwing fits all through the store! You are going to feel me!”
LikeLike
Agree with your first four points, do not agree with that “mind your language” thing – these days I have to live with so much nonsense spouted by politicians, I will defo not mind the one or other swear word used. If you do mind – that is your problem – as the politicians are mine, too .. I just have to learn to cope.
LikeLiked by 1 person
The divider is first and foremost a weapon.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I hate that divider, I think it’s so funny people almost panic if it’s not between your stuff and theirs! Oh my god! my food is touching yours!!
and I once gave a cashier crap about standing there having verbal diarrhea to some woman she hadn’t seen since high school while the line got longer and longer and everyone was getting mad! She actually had the nerve to tell me I was wrong to give her crap!! She didn’t work there for long….not my fault! lol…
LikeLike
I’ll bet she works at the DMV now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You may have addressed this one earlier – don’t use the self checkout if you are too drunk/high to understand the scanner
LikeLike
I don’t need to be impaired to not understand things.
LikeLike
And, for the love of all that is holy, don’t make the rest of us listen to your cell phone conversation! “Let me call you right back, I’m in line to pay for groceries” is a perfectly acceptable way to let the person on the phone and the rest of us in line know that you’re not a complete asshole.
LikeLike
That’s when you yank the phone from their hand, lick it, and scream, “I have Ebola.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just to be clear, singing songs by anyone else is okay, right? Because I do that in shops/stores. Especially if they have songs playing over the tannoy. I even got told to STFU by a friend once for embarrassing her. I just sang louder. I’m evil like that.
LikeLike
It’s okay unless you’re Justin Bieber singing a song by someone else.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m definitely not Justin Bieber. I checked, just to be certain.
LikeLike
I’m afraid to check. If I turned out to him, it’d be horrifying.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m getting this great idea for a spoof horror story where people turn into Justin Bieber.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Is that a spoof or true horror?
LikeLike
Good point. Halloween special, methinks.
LikeLike
There should be a designated area for other shoppers to wait instead of getting on your tail when you are trying to navigate the debit/credit card machine.
LikeLike
On your tail is the designated area.
LikeLiked by 1 person
People mind it that I sing Justin Bieber? Who knew. Do I need to stop twerking in line, now, too?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nobody minds your twerking, unless you’re Miley Cyrus, then stop it,
LikeLiked by 1 person
You can tell i’m not Miley; i don’t have that vile lizzard tongue.
LikeLike
It is funny how the line I am at never moves and the one next to me moves faster. Once I switch to join the other line, mine automatically stops moving! Ugh! Great post to help me start Monday! Double UGH! 😀
LikeLike
Stay out of my line, or I will lick your face and scream, “I have Ebola.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha! I love it. Continue to beat that dead horse, please. It’s all that keeps some of us from just ramming people with shopping carts.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I happen to know someone (I used to date him) that deliberately puts his trolley in the way of children running wildy around the store, hoping they will run into it and learn that running around stores hurt and they shouldn’t do it.
Not surprisingly he turn out to not want children of his own.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I find that horrifying and admirable at the same time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You can do both.
LikeLike
What the fuck is this story about …i dont get a thing of it …why dont you post smth better? Just an advice heh
🙂
LikeLike
It never occurred to me to post something better.
LikeLike
Good to be a German in Germany – here we can behave as rude as we want to and nobody bats an eye-lid – why? Because we know, after that a**hole in front of us we are next – and can then be as a**holy as we enjoy. It is our turn. Ah, the joy of having an already spoilt reputation!
LikeLike
If I’m ever in Germany in a line, I will make sure to behave myself.
LikeLike
you would stand out then – and get very, very quizzical glances – rude ones, too!
LikeLike
So, same as here.
LikeLike
Only, you would REALLY stand out if you behaved politely. REALLY like in being the only one, the alien.
LikeLike
Don’t forget the couched bag that snakes your spot when they open a new line. Clearly, it is your turn for the new line opening but the guy behind you thinks he should go. Total foul.
LikeLike
Humanity stops and chaos reigns when it comes to waiting in line.
LikeLike
I can always gauge my level of zen by how I react when someone in the checkout line ahead of me is doing those things you describe. If I can actually feel my blood pressure rising and steam coming from my ears, well, then I’m not too zen. If I’m thinking, “whatevs, take your time, I’m free and life is good and I’m in no hurry,” then I am at my most zen-est. Unfortunately, the latter doesn’t happen too often.
As for the movie spoilers, remind me not to read any reviews written by you. 😉
LikeLike
I have no zen. I just want people who needlessly slow things down to be punished severely.
BTW At the end of Titanic, the ship sinks.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ooooh, man, major spoiler there. I suppose next you’re going to tell me that Lincoln gets assassinated in the movie ‘Lincoln.’
LikeLike
Come on, I hadn’t seen that yet.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Is it appropriate to beat offenders with a meatless vegan sausage?
LikeLike
appropriate or not, it’s fun.
LikeLike
Just to be sure, let’s add another one: don’t write posts on checkout line etiquette while standing in the checkout line.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would never.
LikeLiked by 2 people