What the Hell is Going on?
(image source: washingtontimes.com)
Here is an excerpt from an article from The Washington Times.
Right now the National Institutes of Health is spending $3.2 million to get monkeys to drink alcohol excessively to determine what effect it has long term on their body tissue.
- Do you think it’s wise for an animal already prone to flinging its crap, to drink alcohol excessively? Crap flinging is the main reason I don’t get invited to parties anymore.
- I don’t need $3.2 million to tell what the long-term effect of drinking alcohol on body tissue: it’s really bad. In fact, alcohol is practically a cure for not having cirrhosis.
- There’s already been long-term documentation on the effects of drinking alcohol excessively. It was called Jersey Shore, and the results were horrifying. Odd skin discoloration, weird ceramic-looking hair, annoying speech patterns, promiscuous behavior, and a general oafishness, were just some of the effects displayed during this study. And once they introduced the alcohol it got really bad.
- What questionable methods are these researchers employing to get these monkeys to drink excessively? Do they give them low-paying jobs, put them in loveless marriages, and constantly remind them of their unfulfilled potential? Do they make listen to bleak Russian poetry with its dark imagery and veiled critique of Stalinism, or worse: Sylvia Plath poems. Do they make them watch Jersey Shore reruns with the knowledge that these people are now wealthy and famous? The possibilities are all very disturbing.
And then I came upon this excerpt from the same article:
NIH also has handed out $69,459 to the University of Missouri to study whether text messaging college students before they attend pre-football game tailgates will encourage them to drink less and “reduce harmful effects related to alcohol consumption.”
We’re spending money trying to stop college students from drinking at football games. That’s like trying to stop plants from photosynthesizing in the sunlight.
Meanwhile, we’re forcing alcohol, and likely Sylvia Plath, down the throats of innocent monkeys!
And how are these text messages supposed to work? Are they based on how well the warnings on the packs of cigarettes have worked? You could put the following warning on a pack of cigarettes:
Smoking can cause heart disease, lung cancer, strokes, bad breath, rabies, Ebola, explosive diarrhea, your left eyeball will at a really inconvenient time, dry mouth, and your penis may or may not fall off.
And all anyone will think is: whoa, these must be good cigarettes.
Why do we even bother putting people in prison when all we have to do is send out the following text message:
Dear Good People,
Please refrain from theft, assault, and most crucially–murder. Basically, don’t do anything illegal. You get the idea. After all, what are we–a bunch of drunken monkeys? lol.
Thank you for your time.
This is all very disturbing to me. I think I’ll join the monkeys and have a cocktail. I may even fling a little crap.
idiotpruf 
No wonder we’re in such a financial crisis and they have to keep making “budget cuts” everywhere.
It is so Social Security, Medicaid and Food Stamps don’t eat up all the funds these people need to continue their essential research projects.
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Alcoholic Monkeys would be a great name for a rock band.
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I Agree ! It’s not ethical, just like when I was at the vet with my dog the other day and he told me there is a probability (the dog) has glaucoma… Oh great I said! I can smoke pot with my dog!…He didn’t laugh! …I was joking for Christ sake’s! maybe….. lol 😉
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The vet didn’t laugh, or the dog didn’t laugh? Because sometimes dogs don’t get the joke.
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The Vet!!! The dog always laughs…he’s stoned half the time!! lol…
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Ahhhhhhhh, interesting. You failed to mention that “drinking excessive amounts of hooch, can make your babies be born naked.” I FOUND THIS TO BE TRUE AT LEAST FOUR TIMES IN MY LIFE. Thank you so much for keeping me informed on this hot button issue.
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Was it the probability of drinking that caused these babies?? lol…
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Babies are delivered by liquored-up storks.
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I was born wearing a top hat and a monocle.
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Ha! Thanks for the chuckle. I thing we need a new motto, something like “fling poo, don’t ingest it.” Also, I’d be totally willing to volunteer for those studies. Why are we wasting money paying monkeys? There are humans who need work, too.
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They don’t pay the monkeys, is the thing. Of course, you could volunteer… but they’d just be all “naw, ‘cuz ethics ‘n shit” and you’d be like, “Fucking SERIOUSLY??? You’re boozing up monkeys to double-check that it’s actually bad for them, and NOW you want to talk ethics?”
And then they’d call security and you’d have to leave, but on the long walk home I’d show you this great bar I found, and it’d all work out mostly okay because they mix a pretty decent martini.
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Teaching monkeys to mix martinis–that would be an experiment.
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I think “fling poo, don’t ingest it” will really take off.
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