Don’t Say it to Your Boss
- I need a raise.
- That just isn’t possible.
- I can’t stand working with__.
- I partied too hard last night–I’m so hung over.
- But I emailed you about that last week.
- It’s not my fault.
- I don’t know.
- But we’ve always done it this way.
- Let me set you up with__.
I know–this list is ridiculous and useless.
I’ve made some subtle changes to the entries. Here’s what you really can’t say:
- I need a raise; I can barely steal enough from the office to keep up with the rising cost of cocaine and hookers.
- That just isn’t possible. I need to take two hours for lunch; it difficult to get properly drunk in one hour.
- I can’t stand working with these voices in my head; they keep telling me to kill again.
- I Partied too hard last night–I was almost too drunk to have sex with your wife.
- But I emailed you about that last week; I directly indicated to you that a reactor core meltdown was imminent, it’s not my fault if you don’t check your email.
- It’s not my fault; how was I supposed to know bringing my pet chimpanzees to work would be frowned upon…I’m sure that feces will wash out of your hair.
- I don’t know. I would be better at my job if your woefully inadequate leadership skills didn’t fail to inspire me on a daily basis.
- But we’ve always done it this way…you galactically incompetent prick.
- Let me set you up with my cousin; she’s one of those genuinely well-mannered Neo-Nazi skinheads.
Do see how much better this list is?