idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

Meet Some More New Neighbors

I have been made to realize that previous “Meet the New Neighbors” list was woefully incomplete. So here it is: more things that you just don’t want to hear come out of your new neighbor’s mouth.

  • Can you help us out with bail for our nephew? We can pay you back once we get the meth lab up and running.
  • You’ll have to excuse my wife, she has a form of voluntary Tourette’s syndrome. Your home is lovely, and your wife doesn’t at all have the appearance of a fat slutty whore.
  • This seems like a nice quiet neighborhood where we can await the return of the mothership.
  • I love this big spacious backyard, it’s perfect for burying the evidence…er, planting a garden.
  • I don’t see any cinder blocks in your front yard; where do you keep all of your old appliances?
  • I’m going to paint my entire house hot pink, with giant flaming skulls on the side. Man is the property value around here going to soar.
  • We really needed to find a bigger home; we were running out of room. I’ll tell you, swamp rats really multiply fast.
  • We had to move from out last neighborhood; all our neighbor’s homes kept burning down. Nobody knew why. Billy, put down those matches and come meet the new neighbors.
  • We’re the Mitchells, and this is our son Dennis. Sorry about that welt on your forehead, Dennis is a crack shot with that slingshot of his.
  • You’re going to love living next to us. We’re quiet as church mice; we’re really into mime.
  • It’s okay, you can shake my hand, leprosy isn’t nearly as contagious as most people think.
  • This is our son Damien, some people think he’s the antichrist, but really he’s just mischievous. But seriously, if you see him on a tricycle, back away.
  • The witness protection people put me here because I whacked like fifty people, and then I ratted out the family to stay off death row…Oh crap, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that…My name is Ed, and I’m an accountant.
  • I’m Paris Hilton and I’ll be doing a reality show in the home next to yours. It’s going to be called, “I’m Better Than You Because I’m Rich And Skinny, And Just A Tad Slutty.” It’s going to be great.
bad neighbor

“I’m really into topiary.”

Advertisements

Single Post Navigation

4 thoughts on “Meet Some More New Neighbors

  1. Yeah. But just think how easy your life just got. No more detailed directions to out of towners and visitors. You just have to say, “Just drive down the block and turn next to the flaming pink house with the skulls. Oh and the mines will point you in the right direction.” See. Easy.

    Like

  2. More and more reasons why I never bother to meet the neighbors; they can have nothing to offer me, given their proximity to my personal space.

    Then again, for all I know we’re Those People who keep to themselves and accidentally kill large splotches of lawn (there was a picture of a dandelion on the bottle!) and they’re all thinking we belong on this list.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: