I have been made to realize that previous “Meet the New Neighbors” list was woefully incomplete. So here it is: more things that you just don’t want to hear come out of your new neighbor’s mouth.
- Can you help us out with bail for our nephew? We can pay you back once we get the meth lab up and running.
- You’ll have to excuse my wife, she has a form of voluntary Tourette’s syndrome. Your home is lovely, and your wife doesn’t at all have the appearance of a fat slutty whore.
- This seems like a nice quiet neighborhood where we can await the return of the mothership.
- I love this big spacious backyard, it’s perfect for burying the evidence…er, planting a garden.
- I don’t see any cinder blocks in your front yard; where do you keep all of your old appliances?
- I’m going to paint my entire house hot pink, with giant flaming skulls on the side. Man is the property value around here going to soar.
- We really needed to find a bigger home; we were running out of room. I’ll tell you what: swamp rats really multiply fast.
- We had to move from out last neighborhood; all our neighbor’s homes kept burning down. Nobody knew why. Billy, put down those matches and come meet the new neighbors.
- We’re the Mitchells, and this is our son Dennis. Sorry about that welt on your forehead, Dennis is a crack shot with that slingshot of his.
- You’re going to love living next to us. We’re quiet as church mice; we’re really into mime.
- It’s okay, you can shake my hand, leprosy isn’t nearly as contagious as most people think.
- This is our son Damien, some people think he’s the antichrist, but really he’s just mischievous. But seriously, if you see him on a tricycle, back away.
- The witness protection people put me here because I whacked like fifty people, and then I ratted out the family to stay off death row…Oh crap, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that…My name is Ed, and I’m an accountant.
- I’m Paris Hilton and I’ll be doing a reality show in the home next to yours. It’s going to be called, “I’m Better Than You Because I’m Rich And Skinny, And Just A Tad Slutty.” It’s going to be great.