My Rejection Letter From Happy Fun Time Children’s Stories.
This was one of my first posts, and it’s still one of the most popular. Go figure.
Dear Mr. Idiotprufs,
Here at Happy Fun Time Children’s Stories, we gain no greater satisfaction than when we create new and fresh children’s literature. So, believe me when I express to you, we empathize with and appreciate your desire to write children’s stories. That being said, please stop it.
We believe that your talents lie in a genre away from children’s literature, very far away from children’s literature.
Take for example the first story you sent us, Little Timmy’s First Kite and the High Voltage Power Lines. A little boy’s first kite is a good idea for a children’s story. A little boy’s first experience with radical skin grafting: not so much.
Similarly, your story, The Poorly Constructed and Precariously High Treehouse, starts out with a treehouse–a good subject for a children’s story. It ends with a full body cast, and an addiction to painkillers–a bad subject for a children’s story.
And for the love of all that is good and merciful, please stop sending us stories that involve diseased chimpanzees.
For your reference, here is a list of topics unsuitable for children’s stories:
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from the zoo.
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from the circus.
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from a research lab.
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from a secret underground facility run by evil albino Nazis.
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from a secret underground facility under Bill Gates home.
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from a secret underground facility run by evil albino Nazis, under Bill Gates home.
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from Martha Stewart’s house. (If Miss Stewart were to ever have a chimp, we are certain it would not be diseased.)
- A diseased chimp that has escaped from a one-eyed organ grinder.
- A one-eyed organ grinder.
- A diseased chimp with intestinal parasites.
- Intestinal parasites.
- Parasites of any kind. (Tapeworms are not lovable and are seldom named Henry.)
- Virtually any idea that has ever manifested in your head.
In regard to your proposal for a series of books based on the ghost of a mischievous monkey that haunts children who won’t eat their vegetables: it’s not a good idea. That doesn’t even take into consideration the certain legal difficulties that would arise from your main character: Mysterious George.
We hope that you will heed our advice and take to heart the following suggestions:
- Seek professional help.
- Whatever medications that are certain to be prescribed, take them.
- Stay as far away from children’s literature as you possibly can.
Sincerely,
Happy Fun Time Children’s Stories
P.S. In retrospect, stay as far away from actual children as possible.
How could a story about this not be great?
idiotpruf 
Seems like it’s wise to avoid any and all monkey business especially the type our elected officials have perfected like true wizards.
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I’d rather deal with a diseased monkey than a politician.
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Perfect! I liked this story and in general, I like your literary style.
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We’re all quite proud of Little and His First Kite. If only the real Little Timmy had survived to see it.
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They really sent that to you?
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The people at Happy Fun Time Children’s Stories have a mean streak.
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Why do children have to be so sheltered? A little forewarning about high power lines and faulty tree house building might be a good thing. Opiate addiction is real. I can’t imagine why Henry the tapeworm wouldn’t be seen as a sympathetic character to get that message across. Who are these people?
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Philistines, every last one of them.
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Please, PLEASE, self-publish a children’s book about a tapeworm named Henry. I will buy eleventy jillion copies.
Or nine. I will buy NINE copies.
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Henry currently resides in my intestines, and he would love the attention.
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After I initially left a comment I seem to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now each time a
comment is added I recieve 4 emails with the same comment.
Is there a means you can remove me from that service?
Cheers!
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Nope.
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I nominated you for the Inspiring Blogger Award! Yeah…sorry about that. Cheers!
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hahahahahahahaahaha. Gold.
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Not according to Happy Fun Time Children Stories.
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Love it. I guess their criticism was fair… but suggesting legal action over Mysterious George? Now that’s bullshit.
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Exactly.
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My pre-adolescent son laughed so hard over the diseased chimp series. He says he would really love to read about Mysterious George!!! (Are you, by chance, related to Howard Stern?!)
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Several people have told me I should write Mysterious George. I am definitely thinking about it. No, I am not related to Howard Stern.
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Between your post and the comments I am laughing so hard I’m crying.
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I’m glad that you enjoyed the post, but don’t you hate the cramps you get in your side when you laugh too much?
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love this – I needed some laughter and you provided it
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Glad you enjoyed it. And I still believe that Mysterious George is pure gold.
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me too -ha ha
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And yet they let Curious George sit on the shelves. Where is the justice?
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There is no justice, Mysterious George is pure gold.
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George saw the electrical fence. George was curious.
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What about a diseased chimp who writes children’s literature in a secret underground facility run by a publishing house that only publishes children’s literature by healthy chimps?
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Who do think writes this blog?
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There’s always something in these posts that makes me laugh so hard I embarrass myself because no one else is reading this with me. Mysterious George. HA!
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Public embarrassment is good for you, it keeps you humble.
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What a terrible shame that the diseased chimp Mysterious George will never grace the bookshelves. Terrible shame.
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Life is full of disappointments.
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See, publishers don’t know what sell have the time. If I had nickel for every time a kid came up to me and asked for a book on diseased chimps, I would be a dimer.
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You could try:
Little Petie finds a bazooka
Little Petie plays with bazooka and neighbor’s cat
Little Petie’s juvenile home vacation
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You should submit to Cat’s Fancy Magazine.
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By George! I think you’re on to something there!
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Ah! the best advice ever is that given out on polythene bags here in the UK
“Keep away from children”, it says.
You can’t fault logic such as that.
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Different context, same principle.
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Your submission …Hello, Doctor…about little Billy and his sister June playing ‘a visit to the gynecologist’, whereas it was very educational, indeed, presented problems of graphics we are unable to overcome.
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The illustrator was very professional.
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Well, at least be grateful you received more than the typical form-letter rejection. In fact, I’d say they were beyond specific.
Very funny post. And for the record, I don’t see anything wrong with any of your ideas…
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How could Mysterious George fail?
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Maybe kids these days would respond well to the fear of a simian ghoul. You can’t protect them from the world forever, and one day they’ll have to confront a vegetable fascistic spectral ape for real. And where’s that life lesson? in the rejection pile.
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One can only hope.
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Yeah, well, you know what they say about rejection. Clearly this publisher has a short-sighted, narrow vision of children’s literature. They’re going to be sooooo sorry when you shoot to the top of the best-seller list with a magnum opus about a diseased chimp who pushes a one-eyed organ grinder out of a poorly constructed treehouse onto a high-voltage line.
Thanks for my morning laugh!
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I am so misunderstood.
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Hilarious! Maybe you could incorporate class room visits to children’s school rooms in tandem with your storytelling and books.
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The restraining order prevents that.
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Since I have received enough to wall paper entire Empire State Building(interior and exterior) I can relate. You may enjoy my rej letter post 2/28/12 post.
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I will have to check it out.
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