Don’t Cry Over Spilled Mercury Vapor
I broke a light bulb the other day.
It’s not a big deal, right? You just grab a broom and sweep it up.
But this was a compact flourescent light bulb, so I went to epa.gov for instructions regarding proper disposal.
This is what I found:
- Abandon your home like it is Chernobyl.
- Run screaming into the night.
- Never look back.
If step one is not feasible, acquire the following items for cleanup.
- A stiff piece of cardboard (that you will later burn).
- Sticky tape (that you will later burn).
- A broom (that you will later hack to bits with a machete and burn).
- A machete.
- A glass jar with a metal lid.
- A metal jar with a glass lid.
- Five metric tons of concrete.
- 15 silver-plated shovels.
- A Sham-wow. (You won’t be using the Sham-wow for cleanup, they’re just really handy to have around.)
- A helper monkey named Jeff, who is immune to gamma rays.
- Gamma rays.
- A number of friends who are willing to help you, regardless of the fact their hair will fall out and boils will cover their bodies.
- Rogaine and boil medication.
- A ham and cheese sandwich. (This is going to take some time; you will get hungry.)
After step two fails:
- Burn your house to the ground.
- Attend the funerals of the friends who didn’t make it.
- Give moving eulogies.
- Make new friends (seriously, your current group of friends are just hideous looking) you’ve still got work to do.
Disposing of the ashes of your home:
- Collect the ashes of your home and bury them in a thirty foot hole.
- Dig them up and burn them again.
- Bury them in fifty foot hole.
- Cover the hole with concrete.
- Surround the concrete with an electrified fence.
- Put a sign on the fence that reads: Beware Bigfoot.
- Remove the sign after the site becomes a gathering place for people who believe they’ve found irrefutable evidence of Bigfoot.
- Put a sign on the fence that reads: Beware Yeti.
- Learn from your mistakes.
- Dig a moat.
- Fill the moat with acid.
- Move on with your life.
Moving on with your life:
- Purchase a new house.
- Move in and make it a home.
- Drop another compact flouresant light bulb.
- Scream in anguish.
- Abandon Earth.
- Colonize Mars.
- Don’t take any compact flourescent light bulbs.
Note: This is from the “quick instructions” portion of the website. The “detailed instructions” portion was just ridiculous.