Hey Idiot–Use Your Good Eye
People in this country will forgive a lot of things, maybe even most things, but there is one thing people find unforgivable.
One thing that is so contemptuous, so vile, that it will send normally docile people over the edge.
It will make the most even-tempered among us see red and spit blood.
It causes the young and healthy to have debilitating brain aneurysms, and reduces white-haired grandmothers to obscene gestures and obscenity laced tirades.
It will even cause Pope Francis to punch mimes in the face.
What is this one thing: people who screw-up traffic.
Note: I was just kidding about people who screw-up traffic causing Pope Francis to punch mimes in the face; mimes are the reason Pope Francis punches mimes in the face.
Other motorists don’t care why you’re screwing up traffic, just that you are screwing up traffic. You could be slumped over your steering wheel with an arrow protruding from one of your eyes sockets and most compassionate thing you’re gonna hear from another motorist is: “Hey idiot–use your good eye.”
Note: In an unrelated matter, did you know that without transmission fluid, a car is less of an automobile and more of a giant metal traffic clogger? It is.
Here are just some of the ways you can screw-up traffic:
- By driving.
- By driving too slowly in the fast-lane; it’s called the fast-lane, people are trying to get somewhere.
- By driving too fast; are you trying to kill someone, maniac?
- By never using your turn signal; let people know what you’re doing. You’re obviously stupid, we just don’t know how stupid.
- By consuming 15 to 20 cans of Coors Light before driving your kids to Sunday School.
- By driving for miles and miles with your turn signal blinking for no apparent reason.
- By sitting at a 4-way stop and gaping numbly at the other drivers when it’s clearly your turn to go.
- By taking your eyes off the road to make an obscene gesture to another motorist.
- By taking your eyes off the road to text your friend; nothing you have to say is important.
- By taking your eyes off the road to pick-up the cell phone you just dropped while texting your friend. (You will however need to find it to dial 911 after you hit that tree.)
- By driving down the road with your seat-belt dangling out the door, making sparks on the road; it’s dangerous when you cause other motorists to laugh hysterically.
- By having your automobile come to an abrupt stop in the middle of a busy street because your transmission fluid has suddenly drained from your car. (This is your not fault; you can tell all those idiots honking their horns to shove it.)
Remember: it doesn’t matter why you’ve screwed-up traffic, just that you have.
Do you think that people hate O.J. Simpson because he got away with double-homicide? No. It’s because when the police came to get him, he got in that Ford Bronco, got on the California highway on a Friday afternoon and screwed-up traffic.