The True and Accurate Historical Story of Limburger Cheese
There is one salient fact about Limburger cheese: it is just awful. The only time I would need Limburger cheese, would be if I needed something that smelled like death and the smell from my giant pile of possum crap just wasn’t enough.
The bacterium used to ferment Limburger cheese is the same bacterium that is responsible for body odor, and in particular, foot odor.
Limburger cheese was first created in the Duchy of Limburg in the 19th century by a man who had just come home from a hard day of cheese making. He had unbuckled and removed his boots, and was attempting to enjoy a meal with his wife, when he and his wife got into an argument that changed history of cheese making forever.
Wife: What is that horrendous smell?
Cheesemaker: Ooh, we’re having stoofvlees, I love stoofvlees.
Wife: It’s the most putrid smell I have ever encountered.
Cheesemaker: I don’t smell anything. Pass the ale.
Wife: I think it’s your feet.
Cheesemaker: Seriously. Pass the ale.
Wife: It’s rancorous.
Cheesemaker: It’s not that bad.
Wife: It is that bad. There are people retching on the other side of the Demer River.
Cheesemaker: Do you know what this conversation isn’t doing? It isn’t remedying the fact that I have no ale.
Wife: Your feet smell worse than that giant pile of possum crap you have behind the house.
Cheesemaker: I’ll get my own ale.
Wife: Why do you even have a giant pile of possum crap?
Cheesemaker: I’ll tell you why, (he pauses to take a slug of ale) because someday you’ll be in desperate need of some possum crap, and you’ll be glad it’s there.
Wife: I’ve thought the same about you, but it still hasn’t happened. Besides it’s the worst smell in the world.
Cheesemaker: Nonsense. It’s not the worst smell in the world. In fact, I’ll bet that I could make a cheese that smells worse.
Wife: I doubt it.
Cheesemaker: You’ll see. It will become my mission.
Wife: Shut up and drink your ale.
And drink his ale he did.
And succeed he did–beyond his wildest ale fueled dreams.
Of course his wife left him and his giant pile of possum crap.
The Duchy of Limburg is now divided by modern-day Germany, the Netherlands, and Belgium. None of the three countries wanted it: it reeked of Limburger cheese and developed a huge possum problem.
This brings me to my brush with Limburger cheese.
At Moose Lodge picnic I was eating a sandwich. I took a bite and began to chew. I could tell immediately that there something very wrong. I lifted the bun and took a sniff.
The pungent smell of Limburger cheese hit my nostrils. I immediately vomited under the picnic table. Cackles of knowing laughter erupted from my friends.
One of my “friends” had slipped a piece of Limburger cheese into my sandwich. I carry the memory of that horror with me to this day.
Snotty historians may dispute of few of the details in this post. Ignore them, and have some ale.