Unhappy Penguins With Happy Feet
The zoo is place of learning, a place of discovery, a place to take in the breadth and width of God’s creation. It’s a place where every ten steps you stop and check the bottom of your child’s shoe to ensure that revolting smell isn’t something he’s stepped in.
At these zoos, zoologists separate animals into several basic categories:
Animals that can kill you by stomping on you:
- Big elephants.
- Not so big elephants.
- Smallish elephants.
- Most any elephant.
- Mimes pretending to be elephants.
- Really huge geese.
- Small geese, but a butt-load of them.
- An incensed mob of penguins that over-heard you casually comment that Happy Feet sucked.
- That crazy mom from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
- Chris Christie.
- The Hulk.
- Your aunt with the chunky thighs.
Note: there is precious little difference between The Hulk and your aunt with the chunky thighs, in the moments after you’ve told your aunt she has chunky thighs.
Animals that can kill you by biting or stinging you:
- Box jellyfish.
- Black mambo.
- The Brazilian wandering spider. If the venom of the Brazilian wandering spider doesn’t kill you, it may result in permanent impotence (Insert off-color joke here–I know have some).
- Gerald the creepy neighbor kid.
- Diseased rats.
- Honey Boo Boo.
Animals that will eat you:
- Cougars–the feline type.
- Cougars–the lady type.
- Polar bears.
- Yogi Bear (But only if he can’t find any pic-a-nic type baskets).
- German cannibals that advertise on Craigslist.
- Crazed bunny rabbits.
- Territorial crows.
- Flocks of wild chickens bent on revenge.
Animals that you can eat:
- Wild boar.
- Bunny rabbits (You have to get them before they get you).
- German guys that answer your Craigslist ad.
- Deer that your uncle shot.
- Deer that your uncle hit with his truck.
- What you suspect is opossum that your uncle hit with his truck, but he is suspiciously evasive about what it is.
- Tofu turkey (Just kidding, tofu was never alive, it just tastes like something that’s dead).
- Chicken McNuggets.
Animals that look as though they’ve been genetically altered by a mad scientist:
- The star-nosed mole.
- The duck-billed platypus.
- The axolotl.
- The aye aye.
- The entire cast of Jersey Shore.
Animals that appear cute and cuddly but are actually quite dangerous:
- The short-tailed shrew.
- The leopard seal.
- Gerald the neighbor kid (Not really–he is not cute).
- Penguins after you made that wise-crack about Happy Feet.
- Honey Boo Boo.
So the next you go to the zoo, print-out this list and take it with you. Quote from it generously. I guarantee that everyone around you will stare in wide-eyed wonder at the depth of your knowledge.
Note: It’s not until you get home that you discover that revolting smell is your child.