idiotprufs

Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

My Top Ten Previous Lives and Other Nonsense

Napolean

I may have been Napoleon in a previous life.

I’ve noticed when people talk about reincarnation or previous lives, they’ve always been someone famous or influential or important. They’ve always been Napoleon or George Washington or the guy who invented the ShamWow.

Why is it that no one has ever been a banana slug or Igor the twelfth century serf who mucked out stables, and was crushed by a runaway manure cart?

After much deliberation I’ve come up with my top ten previous lives:

TEN

Big stupid dinosaur–Jurassic Period.

NINE

Small clever dinosaur, eaten by a big stupid dinosaur–Jurassic Period.

EIGHT

Big stupid dodo bird that jumped from a cliff in a fruitless attempt to fly–whenever the hell we lived.

dodo bird

Look at those tiny ineffectual wings, no wonder we’re extinct.

SEVEN

Mayan who first met Francisco Hernandez de Cordoba, and thought to himself: these Spaniards seem nice, I’ll introduce them to my people, nothing bad could come from that–sixteenth century, near the time of the fall of the Mayan Empire.

SIX

Wendall Newton, Sir Isaac Newton’s stupid cousin who laughed when the apple fell on Isaac’s head. Later he ate the apple and choked, it had a worm in it–seventeenth century.

FIVE

Pierre, Marie Antoinette’s advisor and later headless corpse. He advised her: just tell them to eat cake–eighteenth century.

FOUR

Adolph Hitler, but not the infamous one; just a poor lad born at the wrong time in Germany with a very unfortunate name–early twentieth century.

THREE

Raccoon who was shot, but later gained fame as Fess Parker’s hat–mid twentieth century.

TWO

Big stupid tuna fish caught in a net. Later became part of a casserole that Edwina Fornwaller took to a pot-luck dinner. It was dry and not well received–late twentieth century.

ONE

Bigfoot. Spent time lurking just out of sight, and being captured in grainy indistinguishable photographs–whenever.

fess parker

Here I am on Fess Parker’s head. Don’t I look awesome?

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17 thoughts on “My Top Ten Previous Lives and Other Nonsense

  1. Have you seen a professional about your deep-seated desire to be an animal? 🙂

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  2. Since you are now a top ten list writer, could we have been the same person or creature in one of the past lives?

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  3. I also just shared your post with every psycho in the human’s family and all her furiends!!! MWAHAHAHA!😹

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  4. Mol! 😹 Oh my kats! I have missed your blog! Now you’ve inspired me to tell my story of my purrevious 9 lives!!

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  5. Have you heard of regression therapy and past lives? My friend mentioned it in front of a group of us and I think we all thought he is nuts until I realized that since I’m reading your blog, we must have know each other in a past life. Maybe you were my brother raccoon? You were always better looking so that is probably you were made into a hat and I got eaten by a mountain lion.

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  6. Ha! It is funny that people are always the reincarnated famous. Marie Antoinette has returned so many times, you think she’d be sick of us all by now. How come there are no fishwives or chamber maids? If I had a previous life, with my luck I probably would have spent it emptying chamber pots, not unlike I often do today.

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  7. Right you are – all of those who believe in reincarnation think they were part of the 1 % in a previous life. Ok with me, since they were then more chances for me to be now … Oops, maybe in my next life …

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