Illegal in 38 states–frowned upon in the rest.

I can Feel my Heisman Drought About to End


They handed out one of these things to Johnny Manziel. Enough said.

As the college football season winds down, my excitement continues to grow. I find myself nearly bursting with anticipation.

This is my year. I can feel it.

I have made it abundantly clear, I deserve the Heisman Trophy.

How many times can they deny me?

How long will injustice continue to prevail?

What do I need to do before the Downtown Athletic Club will acknowledge my achievements?

When will this trophy be mine?

As depicted by the trophy, I am still receiving the stiff arm.

Granted, I may not strictly meet the qualifications to win a Heisman Trophy.

The Heisman Trophy is awarded to: the outstanding college football player whose performance best exhibits the pursuit of excellence with integrity.

I don’t meet the definition of a student athlete in its purest form.

I don’t play college football at any level. I have never played college football at any level. I’ve never even played Madden. Nor am I currently enrolled at any university, college or trade school. Who am I kidding, I can barely read and write.

Note: I do constantly receive emails from the University of Phoenix, that has to count for something.

And I will admit, I misspelled the word Heisman the first several times I typed it (I before E my butt).

But when did the universities of our nation become so rigid in their thinking?

I am brimming with excellence and integrity.

I’ve never been accused of double homicide. That’s right, I’m looking at you 1968 Heisman Trophy winner, O. J. Simpson.

Do you think the Heisman committee is proud to have that name on their list?

They gave Reggie Bush a Heisman Trophy (2005) and then snatched it away a few years later. Where’s that Heisman Trophy now? I’ll take that one.

Note: evidently enticing a student athlete to your school by giving his mother a house with a giant pile of cash in the living room, is frowned upon.

Tom Harmon was awarded the Heisman Trophy in 1940. He is considered to be one of the greatest football players in the University of Michigan’s history. He was also a war hero, having been awarded the Silver Star and Purple Heart, after his fighter plane was shot down over Japanese occupied China.

He went on to have a long and successful career as an actor and broadcaster. He is also the father of collegiate football star and popular actor Mark Harmon. Tom Harmon was a great man who lived an extraordinary life.

However, his grandchildren went on to form the musical group Nelson, that has to count against him.

In 1984 Doug Flutie was given the Heisman Trophy. I’m sure he deserved the award. It’s just that he’s freakin’ tiny.


That photo on the front is actual size.

What’s next, are going to give Cap’n Crunch the Heisman Trophy?

Cap'n Crunch

 Evidently he played for the Naval Academy.

In other news, 2007 Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow’s girlfriend has reportedly split with him due to “lack of sex.”

It seems she couldn’t deal with Tebow’s famous pledge to abstain from sex until marriage.

I admire your fortitude and willpower Mr. Tebow.

olivia culpo

Tim Tebow’s former girlfriend.

I will make the following pledge: if I am awarded the Heisman Trophy this year, I too will not have sex with this woman.

That is just the type of dedication I bring.

Note: and you thought this post started on a delusional note.

Wish me luck.

I honestly can’t see how I won’t win.


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21 thoughts on “I can Feel my Heisman Drought About to End

  1. It’s sure thing. All you have to do is send them a copy of this post.


  2. We can’t forget about the only “convicted” felon to win a Heisman Johnny Rodgers!


  3. So, is there a write-in portion?


  4. longchaps2 on said:

    I always say, a snowballs chance in hell is better than no chance at all.
    ps. I think you should probably wait to tell her you’re moving her to Western Pennsylvania. Just til after the wedding.


  5. You also have to sign a pledge that you won’t kill any people and none of your descendants will ever start a music group.


  6. You make valid points. I am totally going to vote for you if the Heisman guy calls.


  7. A disgrace for sure. Kind of the way I feel about never having won the Stanley Cup. (And I’ll just pretend I know what that is.)


  8. I don’t see why you haven’t been awarded that trophy either – you can read and write – which is more than most of those pigskin chasing, tight -wearing dudes can do.

    I also don’t see why I haven’t been awarded one – after all, I’m so flippin cute – (Without tights)! 😾


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