Read by four out of five drunken monkeys, written by the fifth.

Meet the New Neighbors

image source:

New neighbors have moved in next to you, and you are hopeful of the type of neighbors they will be. Will they be quiet and tidy? Will they have well behaved children or pets that won’t bark all night or crap on your lawn? Will they be fun people who invite you to barbeques?

Then you meet them and your hopes are dashed. There are certain things you just don’t want to hear come out of your new neighbor’s mouth:

  • We’re members of the Society of Obese Nudists, we’ll be holding our weekly meetings in the backyard.
  • Would you like to meet Yancey and Theodore, our pet howler monkeys.
  • If you hear weird sounds or see odd lights emanating from our basement, don’t worry about it, I’ll just be conducting a few experiments. By the way, if you have any spare DNA lying around, I could really use it.
  • Hi, I’m Charlie Sheen, could I borrow a cup of cocaine? I seemed to have left my cocaine suitcase with my porn star girlfriend.
  • Do you like garden gnomes as much as I like garden gnomes? I hope you do, because I have hundreds of them.
  • I’m Hannibal Lecter, I’d love to have you over for dinner.
  • We’re not actual neonazis, they weren’t radical enough for us. But I’m sure that you and I will get along just fine Mr. Abramowitz.
  • Out entire family just loves to yodel.
  • No. We don’t shave off all of our body hair because the cult makes us, we just like the way it feels. Although, the testicle piercing is mandatory.
  • I’m Tom Cruise, could I interest you in some literature on how Scientology will change your life.
  • Don’t mind all the roosters, they only crow at sunrise.
  • Don’t worry about all the rats you see us carrying in, we use them to feed all of our giant pet snakes. They only escape once in a while…but if you have small children, keep an eye out.
  • You won’t have to worry about noisy lawnmowers with us, all the goats and sheep take care of our lawn.
  • You might recognize us from our television show–Jersey Shore.

    Bad neighbor
    (image source:

Even worse neighbors.
(image source:

Single Post Navigation

34 thoughts on “Meet the New Neighbors

  1. longchaps2 on said:

    I’m sure Hannibal Lecter doesn’t eat that much. Bring a relative with you to dinner. One you’re not that fond of.


  2. Another reason I need to move out to the wilds of Chelan County.


  3. “Will they have well behaved children or pets that won’t bark all night or crap on your lawn?”
    It’s not my pets that will be barking all night and crapping on your lawn. Oh… and I don’t have kids.


  4. PalomaSharma on said:

    Hi. I’ve nominated you for the Sunshine Blog Award. You can find your nomination here:


  5. If I had a howler monkey I would definitely call it Yancey.


  6. so funny… katie finally escaped tom!


  7. Yet another reason why I’m glad I live in Canada. In the two months of the year that it’s not too cold for nudists, the mosquitos make nudism, um… inadvisable. That’s one potential bad-neighbour-type off the list.


  8. Haha, good stuff. 😉


  9. I can’t get past the obese nudists. That’s amazing. Can you imagine? Having Grandma over for tea and trying desperately to get her up the garden path without seeing the naked overweight 64 year-old cooking sausages over the fence. Amazing.


  10. A testicle piercing is not necessarily an indication of a bad neighbor.


  11. Can you help us out with bail for our son ? We can pay you back in two weeks when the heroin comes in.


  12. These are the times being an introvert comes in handy. Neighbors? What neighbors?


  13. I’m still laughing. You are one very funny individual. More please!


Leave a Reply to idiotprufs Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: