Meet the New Neighbors
New neighbors have moved in next to you, and you are hopeful of the type of neighbors they will be. Will they be quiet and tidy? Will they have well behaved children or pets that won’t bark all night or crap on your lawn? Will they be fun people who invite you to barbeques?
Then you meet them and your hopes are dashed. There are certain things you just don’t want to hear come out of your new neighbor’s mouth:
- We’re members of the Society of Obese Nudists, we’ll be holding our weekly meetings in the backyard.
- Would you like to meet Yancey and Theodore, our pet howler monkeys.
- If you hear weird sounds or see odd lights emanating from our basement, don’t worry about it, I’ll just be conducting a few experiments. By the way, if you have any spare DNA lying around, I could really use it.
- Hi, I’m Charlie Sheen, could I borrow a cup of cocaine? I seemed to have left my cocaine suitcase with my porn star girlfriend.
- Do you like garden gnomes as much as I like garden gnomes? I hope you do, because I have hundreds of them.
- I’m Hannibal Lecter, I’d love to have you over for dinner.
- We’re not actual neonazis, they weren’t radical enough for us. But I’m sure that you and I will get along just fine Mr. Abramowitz.
- Out entire family just loves to yodel.
- No. We don’t shave off all of our body hair because the cult makes us, we just like the way it feels. Although, the testicle piercing is mandatory.
- I’m Tom Cruise, could I interest you in some literature on how Scientology will change your life.
- Don’t mind all the roosters, they only crow at sunrise.
- Don’t worry about all the rats you see us carrying in, we use them to feed all of our giant pet snakes. They only escape once in a while…but if you have small children, keep an eye out.
- You won’t have to worry about noisy lawnmowers with us, all the goats and sheep take care of our lawn.
- You might recognize us from our television show–Jersey Shore.