An Idiot’s Bucket List
I was recently asked what’s on my bucket list.
I told him I didn’t have any buckets, and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t make a list of them. What am I, some kind of idiot?
I was informed that I am an idiot, and I clearly didn’t know what a bucket list was.
Note: it seems I was also confused about what a bucket is. Evidently chamber pots don’t count.
An idiot’s Bucket List
- Have a conversation with an attractive woman that doesn’t end with me rinsing the pepper spray from my eyes.
- Go on a date with an attractive woman.
- Go on a date with any woman.
- Overcome my crippling fear of dates (not the dried fruit).
- Overcome my crippling fear of dates (the dried fruit).
- Purchase a Ronco food dehydrator, enabling me to reduce a watermelon to the size of a pea without sacrificing an ounce of flavor or nutritional value.
- I want to invent a machine that enlarges a pea to the size of a watermelon without adding an iota of flavor or nutritional value.
- Obtain a level of maturity that allows me to not giggle uncontrollably every time I hear the name Lake Titicaca.
- Obtain a level of maturity that allows me to not giggle uncontrollably every time I hear the word peninsula, because it reminds me of the word penis.
Note: etymologists claim the word peninsula has no derivation from the word penis. I am skeptical. Why are most peninsulas shaped like penis’s?
Entomologists also claim the word peninsula has no derivation from the word penis. But first they enlighten us with some fascinating facts about the Egyptian dung beetle. (Egypt: not a peninsula-not shaped like a penis. Just saying.)
- I want to punch Justin Bieber in his smug little face.
- I want to meet Justin Bieber, and subsequently punch him in his smug little face.
- I want to be dining in a restaurant where Justin Bieber chokes on his meal, and I step in and heroicly save his life…so I can punch him in his smug little face.
- I’d like to dine in a restaurant where they know me, and there’s only a moderate chance my food will be spat in.
- I want to go back to the days when I didn’t know what human saliva tastes like.
- I want to ride a dolphin, but a porpoise will do.
- I want to know the difference between a dolphin and a porpoise.
- I want to operate a boat without every other passenger on the boat fearing for their lives.
- I want to stand on the Great Wall of China, turn to person next to me, and declare, “let’s see the neighbor’s dog crap on my lawn now.”
- I want to finish the Eiffel Tower, but do a really crappy job.
- I want to make a mime talk…and if at all possible, cry.
- I want to write an opera in Italian.
- I want to learn how to write in Italian.
- I want to make the fat lady sing, or at least choose a more sensible diet.
- I want to discover indisputable evidence that Bigfoot exists, then destroy it, so I’m the only one who really knows.
- I want to come up with an idea that leads to world peace.
- I want to amend the previous item on this list.
- I want to come up with an idea that makes me filthy rich, and if the whole world peace thing also happens, that’s fine too…I guess.
- I just want a bucket. (But not to pee in, that’s a chamber pot.)