So I’ve Ruffled Some Feathers
“My feathers have been sufficiently ruffled.”
It seems I’ve ruffled some feathers.
Some big, fat, whiny, bitchy, crybaby feathers.
It’s not that this blog hasn’t generated negative reactions in the past. It has and that disapproval has been manifest in many forms:
- Through the WordPress comments function.
- By email.
- Unfriending me on Facebook.
- Friending me on Facebook for the sole purpose of unfriending me.
- Tweeting about me with the hashtag: jackass.
- Sniper fire.
- I’ve been accosted by mimes. (They don’t say much, but their gesticulated scorn is withering.)
- Women flee at the sight of me. (To be frank, this was happening long before I started this blog.)
- Small children bite me with their sharp little adolescent teeth.
- A vicious diatribe was nailed to my front door, written in blood. (This one surprised me; Grandma needs all the blood she has.)
- Random baboon attacks.
- Skywriting.
- Strategically placed billboards with shockingly filthy messages.
- The song “You Suck” is constantly being dedicated to me on the radio.
- Vitriolic letters to the editor of The Bolivian Free Press. (The Bolivian Free Press is an odd name for a newspaper in a country where the primary language isn’t English. It’s almost as though I made it up.)
- Llamas spit on me, then act like it was an accident.
- Lorenzo Lamas spits on me, then acts like it was an accident.
- I get junk mail addressed to: That Ass Who Writes The Blog.
- The letters in my alphabet soup randomly form death threats.
- I am frequently presented with that time honored and always effective middle finger.
But it was the following passage from a recent post, Home is Where the Heart is…and a Bit of Predator, in which I detailed reasons my hometown is awesome, that has caused the cheese to slide off the crackers of a few people:
Reason #4: my aunts and uncles
If modern cinema and television have taught us anything through mega-hits such as Harry Potter, Twilight, and The Walking Dead, it’s that witches, vampires, werewolves, and various incarnations of the undead, are quite popular in current culture.
The town of Westfield, NY is polluted with my aunts and uncles.
Note: you get what I’m implying.
It has been suggested that this passage is defamatory, and this blog is guilty of slander.
That is ridiculous–defamation in written form is clearly libel.
Note: seriously, if you don’t know the difference between slander and libel, you shouldn’t run around all willy-nilly accusing anyone of either.
Nevertheless, a few points of clarification.
None of my aunts or uncles are werewolves. Sure their behavior is a tad monstrous when the moon is full, but it’s monstrous during all phases of the moon. They’re not any better when the sun is up…I guess my point is it’s pretty much a perpetual state.
None of my aunts or uncles are vampires; they’re bloodsuckers of an entirely different ilk.
None of my aunts or uncles are members of the undead. The stench of rotting flesh that follows when they arrive, and their seeming inability to communicate in even monosyllabic fashion, are probably just coincidences.
Witches? Granted, I’m not referring to the type of stereotypical green-skinned, broom-traversing witches such the wicked witches from the Wizard of Oz. However…
Note: if only I could dispatch them with a bucket of water.
Remember this one important thing: it isn’t libel if it’s true.
Addendum
Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a troop of flying monkeys to do your bidding?
A flying monkey toting Toto. (Not the rock group, he’d need a bigger basket.)
idiotpruf 
Apparently your family has a larger fan base than you do. 🙂
LikeLike
If by fan base you mean butt-licking sycophants, then yes you are correct.
LikeLike
Ruffled feathers, I like them. I also like people that refuse to let others stifle their voice. Therefore: I am now following your blog. Love it!
LikeLike
I like to ruffle feathers then make a pillow with them.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe people are upset because they really ARE vampires/werewolves/witches and you totally blew up their spot. (As well as the Predator’s…. he’s one of my actual fears though)
LikeLike
The most inhuman thing about them is their behavior.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Also the invisibility thing
LikeLike
I hadn’t thought about that. thanks for scaring the hell out of me.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re quite welcome 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Can I borrow your ruffles for my family?? they are close to the Zombie !! too funny!
T.
LikeLike
I have plenty to spare.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh Goodie, goodie goodie!!!
LikeLike
This blog ruffles my feathers so badly that I am going to keep on reading it so that I can continue to be offended!
There, that will teach you to make the cheese slide off my crackers.
LikeLike
Then I shall continue to ruffle.
LikeLike
Sometimes offending someone is the best part of my day.
Keep up the good work. *grin*
LikeLike
I’m just getting started.
LikeLike
umm hi! its me, Tony the Wing Machine! While I feel that Westfield probably rocks the house on a steady basis, I RULED the school last week! And yes, the Wing Machine was pleased that things-n-wings were up to Idiot-pruf par! Like Disco-Don said up in the Museum, “there is unrest in the forest, but there is no trouble with the pink elephants in these trees!” #SEEYOUFORTHATSTEELERSRAVENSGAMEOCTOBERFIRST
LikeLike
But no shots. Not today. Not tomorrow.
LikeLike
Ah well, the people who mind don’t matter, and the people who matter don’t mind. Anything that makes me smile makes my day better and your posts always do that. I think my sister shares your uncles and aunts, but funnily enough I don’t. I’ve always wondered about that…..
LikeLike
I’m glad I make your day better, and if damaging my family does that, then so be it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
If you google parasite, you may find something useful.
LikeLike
*gasp* Someone is offended???? O-M-G. You must perform penance and duck your own head in the toilet for being such a s***head. SHAME on you!! Write another blog post, too…..soon.
LikeLike
Luckily I didn’t seem to offend anyone important.
LikeLike
I don’t know what’s to be upset or offended about. Sounds like a great cast for the next season of True Blood…
LikeLike
Is True Blood the show Anna Paquin
is nude in?
LikeLike
That would be the one. Her and everyone else–male or female. Best to avoid junk food if you’re an actor on that show.
LikeLike
Bela Lugosi always kept his clothes on.
LikeLike
A good thing, too.
LikeLike
If your relatives do not share your sense of humour, you are probably adopted and need not worry about the “family” anyway …
LikeLike
If only I could claim to be adopted.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m impressed that you have relatives who read your blog. Personally, mine avoid mine.
LikeLiked by 1 person
They don’t read mine either. But when a town has a population of 5000 people and half of them read the post, it becomes a topic of conversation.
LikeLiked by 3 people
You need to do what I do. Lie…
LikeLike
But I could be accused of slander.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Life sucks then you die. Or lie.
LikeLike
I’ve just found my epitaph.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wouldn’t take the random baboon attacks to heart. Baboons hate everyone. Funny about the alphabet soup death threats. Mine usually spells out self help counseling websites. By the way those monkeys creep me out. Worse than mimes. Sorry.
LikeLiked by 1 person
When I was a child the flying monkeys made me cry. Now it’s my relatives.
LikeLiked by 1 person
can’t…stop…laughing….
LikeLike
I’m crying, but they’re tears of joy.
LikeLiked by 1 person